Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

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Gallon Gang

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aka The Pissin’ All The Time Crew

Guzzle up, Bitches! You know that soda is complete shit. (I just poured a can of cola down my shower drain to unclog it. Yumm!) But still… water is so damn… plain. You gave up crap, not your tastebuds. How the hell you gonna guzzle a gallon of water a day?!

Answer: Infuse dat shit! Pick your favorite fruit or berries, stuff them in you jar or water bottle, cover with water, and steep for at least 30 minutes in the fridge. Then sip away all day. You can even keep refilling your water over the same fruit for a day or so. Use your imaginations and add fresh herbs or green tea. You can even double down and keep your water cool with ice cubes stuffed with fruit. And it’s not just flavor you’re adding. Check out what some of this flavor enhancing shit is doing for you:

Lemon flushes out nasty shit from your body, aids weight loss, and balances the body’s pH.
Strawberry-kiwi aids in blood sugar regulation, digestion, and gives your immune system a mutha fucking jump start.
Cucumber-lime-lemon hydrates, helps get rid of bloating (ladies, you know when you need to be drinking this, right?), and helps with appetite control.
Mint-lime-green tea aids in fat burning, digestion, congestion and gets rid of… ahem… stank breath.

Bonus tip ‘cuz I care: Kegel, Kegel, Kegel! And cross your legs when you sneeze.

Cheers!
~dekini

#NoExcuses

Try:

  • ginger – mango
  • cucumber – mint
  • melons
  • lemon – ginger
  • pineapple – mint
  • strawberry – kiwi
  • watermelon – mint
  • raspberry – lime
  • ginger – mint – lime
  • Dear Eve, you’re a bitch.

    Bitches_5269f5_1281517

     

    Uh excuse me? Ya little shit,us bitches like chocolate and shit.

    So this is day 14 of the whole30 challenge, and I must say that I completely forgot what it was like to be without any type of sugar, and be on my MOTHA FUCKING PERIOD! Oh how I yearn for my chocolate thunder, or my chocolate flax-seed waffles sweetened with organic maple syrup. So I’ve done whole30 before in fact I did whole60 before and I just can’t remember how I dealt.

    I’ve realized as I get older the more I become like my mother, which is fucked up,because she’s bat shit crazy on candy when she gets a week away from her cycle. Men don’t understand, they just stay away and kids get on your nerves. Maybe that’s why I turn to sugar during my time. Although the sugar I would normally eat before whole30 was the Paleo approved stuff, our ancestors didn’t have nothing but fruit to feast on,not honey,coconut sugar,and especially not agave honey..wtf is that anyways? Bees nut on cactus? I don’t understand that shit at all,so I won’t eat that shit.

    So even though there are Paleo approved sugars out there..be extra mindful about how much you eat and what the fuck you’re eating.

    PLEASE START YOUR WHOLE30 AROUND YOUR FUCKING MONTHLY GIFT!

    If I wasn’t half way in I would have eating two belgium chocolate waffles while writing this. No seriously this laptop would be smeared with maple syrup and chocolate crumbs.

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    Moral of the story:

    Bitches love chocolate,but chocolate isn’t whole30 approved. So get that bitch an Edible arrangement, Bitches need Edible arrangements.

    Pamela Martha Focker

    Fail to plan, plan to eat shitty

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    See that right there? That gets my Tetris loving, OCDette ass feeling accomplished. Like, “hellz yeah! I’m gonna be awesome this week! Suck it, drive-thrus!” And I will. Cuz I got a plan.

    But J, I can’t do that. That looks hard.

    No. Just, no. You want this or not? Here’s the deal: Cooking a couple times a week instead of several times a day, every day is saving you time and all those wasted moments staring into the fridge wondering what the hell you should eat instead of that chocolate bar nobody knows is in your desk drawer. Most of all it saves you from yourself. (You know your hangry ass is out to get you, right?) You just need a plan, and I’m gonna help ya ’cause I’m a giver like that.

    Step 1: How much am I making? That’s up to you, sweetheart. Start with which meals. Lunch and snacks are fairly obvious. Dinners? Breakfasts? I prep for around four days. You can do more and pop half in the freezer for later in the week.

    Step 2: What am I making? Start simple and get fancy when you’ve for this down. For lunches and dinners, pick a couple of proteins (see Pamela’s previous post on making the meat section your bitch) and 2-3 veggies. Chicken boobies and an easy steak are about as simple as it gets. Veggies that you can roast are easy to do in bulk and stand up to reheating or eating cold in a pinch. Snacks – what’s easy to carry? Nuts, apples and nut butters, hard boiled eggs, pre-cut veggies… whatever keeps you on track. Make your list, check what you already have, and…

    Step 3: Shop Walk up and down isles procuring listed items, placing them in cart, paying before leaving. If you need me for this step, I’m not sure I can help you.

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    Step 4: Cook it and pack it Start washing and chopping. Preheat oven and fire up the grill. Having your shit ready to go is going to save you time and screw ups. Boil water if you’re boiling eggs. Prep veggies you’re gonna roast so you can keep a steady rotation of pans in and out of the oven if needed. While you’re waiting for things to finish, portion out your snacks. Tip: Err on the side of slightly underdone when cooking to account for reheating later. Pack that shit up and stack it Tetris style in your fridge.

    Bacon.

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

    “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

    Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
    I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
    Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

    Beercan get in my belly!

    Beercan get in my belly!

    ^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

    Now on to serious fucking shit.

    Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
    So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
    Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
    So here’s my secret…
    Bake the shit.
    375 degrees for 22 minutes..
    Lay those bitches out flat,
    and crack fresh pepper on it.

    Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

    Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

    Moral of the story

    You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!

    It’s pronounced “thun-duh”, bitch.

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    Here comes the boom..

    So finally I got enough time to type this bitch up, I mean seriously I had the mother fucker, written on my journal for weeks. I kind of found myself being greedy with the recipe, considering how fucking awesome it is.
    Be forewarned, I had someone take a small bite and it rocked their world…no really the flax seed fucked him up for days.

    Flax seed and coffee is the double punch to your balls, straight up. If you’re eating dirty, chances are that your underwear will be dirty after eating this.

    Dear Charmin,
    You might notice an increase in sales and a demand for your toilet paper. It’s not a coincidence, that I published my chocolate thunder recipe. Imma need my money, boo boo.

    This cake is so moist and delicious that it could be the clean version of the infamous Laxative cake prank. The only difference is it won’t hurt them and they’ll feel better about themselves the day after. I had my victim (unbeknownst to me, till he nearly shitted himself) feeling fresh and clear headed the next few days.

    So handle my shit with care and love, or you might gets shitted on.

    On a less shittier note, I’d like to introduce my bitch, my guh, my thugginess… Janella aka JDawg, she’s known on IG as @Dekini_fit. She’s my long lost sister,and she’s helping me by not only helping get the website together but now as a contributor. She’s awesome, and not only can she flip off people, she can flip big ass tires… check her out and keep your eyes peeled for her awesome ass words of motivation and shit.
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    Moral of the story:

    Shit just got real when you eat the THUNDUH!

    Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and motha fucking toned!

    Pamela Martha Focker

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    Chocolate Thunder Cake

    Makes 8-10 servings

    Supplies:

    • Spring form pan or 2 – 9 in rounds
    • Mixer or processor

    Ingredients:

    • 2/3 Almond meal
    • 1/3 c flax meal
    • 3/4 c cocoa powder
    • 2/3 c finely shredded coconut
    • 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
    • 3/4 tsp baking soda
    • 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
    • 1 c brewed black coffee (I use NOLA crème Brule)
    • 1/2 c of maple syrup
    • 1/2 c melted coconut oil
    • 5 pitted date
    • 6 eggs

    Instructions:

    Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease cake pans with coconut oil.

    Mix all the dry ingredients thoroughly in a bowl. Add all the wet ingredients to the processor and blend that shit until the dates are completely broken down. If your mixer is small, do it in batches. Slowly add the wet to the dry ingredients, mixing until there are minimal lumps. Pour into your greased up pans.

    Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

    #EatDatShit

    Water.

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    Dear God, please don’t let me piss myself.

    Nothing says hydration than stuck in the pick-up lane all while your bladder is crying out.
    During whole30, its recommended you drink plenty of water. I thought “Game on, bitch. I can drink 67.6 ounces per da... fuck I got to pee”…. Drinking water seems so easy – drink water, pee, and move on, but it’s not.
    After having a water chugging battle with my daughter’s kindergarten teacher while being cheered on by her class “chug chug chug”(I ended up totally kicking her ass), I thought I’d be okay till I got home (8 minutes away).

    ******WAIT WAIT WAIT. Someone tell me how the hell do 5-6 year olds know about chugging?  I mean,  I know why mine does…******

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    My optimism almost made me piss my pants. My daughters were laughing so hard while I rocked the fucking car doing the potty dance in the driver seat. Needless to say they’re all grounded for 20 minutes. Drinking water has sort of helped the “Felicia Syndrome”, but I still feel lethargic and now I gotta pee more on top of that.

    Doctors recommend you drink 8 glasses of water, others say ounces per pound…which is a lot of fucking water. I’m the type of person who thinks there is water in all the food you eat and there is some water intake.  I just couldn’t see myself drinking my weight in water, unless I can piss on trees like drunkards and dogs.
    I don’t think Texas has come that far yet.

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    Moral of the story:
    Drink a shit load of water, wear pampers.

    Keep it thuggish, rugg….fuck I gotta pee

    Whole30 day 2: fuck me running

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    I’m going to make Whole30 my bitch best friend.

    Being Paleo, you’d figure this would be simple, and it is, as far as eating goes. I’ve made my change months ago and wanting a double stuffed Oreo isn’t an issue. My issue seems to be fatigue, and the feeling of just overall shittiness.

    The only thing I have changed in my diet is sugar, and Paleo approved sugar at that! Sugars such as: organic maple syrup, raw coconut nectar sugar, and honey. Now what gets me is, if all this shit is “paleo-approved” why do I feel like a straight up crack-head? Sweating and yawning like Felicia.

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    It really makes me think about my choices for my Paleo treats in the future. Even though I can’t live without my chocolate thunder cake, limiting it to once in a while is okay.

    Whole30 has shown me what I’m doing wrong in my life.

    Moral of the story:
    Everything in moderation is the way of a healthy life.
    Unless you want to be like Felicia, and in that case, you CAN’T borrow my car.

    Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and fuck this shit because I need a nap,

    Felicia Pamela Martha Focker

    Hunt and gather on a budget

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    My butcher sees into the window to my soul… of my stomach

    I’ve become accustomed to greeting my butcher guys – hell one calls me Momma and my love pickle Poppa. I know he’s just being friendly, and if I didn’t gain cheap meat because of his friendliness, I’d think he’s a complete asshole because I’m not that old. Fuck it. I get half priced meats 75% of the time, call me whatever you like. So when I go into HEB I look at expiration dates for two reasons. Here’s reason number one:

    The store loses money when food goes out of date and marking stuff down gets product out before the sell by date.

    Usually people don’t like expensive organic meats, so there is always tons of mark downs waiting for me. The best time to look for markdowns varies. It depends on sales. They don’t markdown on the new sale days, so in HEB’s case, Wednesday. It doesn’t really pertain to me because the butchers hold marked down meat for me… 🙂

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    So today’s trip was awesome as fuck. 7 steaks, original price $57.30 total, sale price $28.38! That’s a savings of $28.92! $28.38 couldn’t pay for a grassfed ribeye anywhere, but I got 5 ribeyes and 2 stip steaks. $4.05 per steak?! I lost my shit in the middle of the meat department.
    I do this often, in fact too often, other employees are bitter that I snagged meat for cheap while they are working… I feel bad don’t give a shit.

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    I have a freezer full of fucking awesomeness, and you can be jealous as fuck. I know I would be.

    Second reason I look at expiration dates:

    At HEB stores they have a policy in effect stating the following:
    HEB guarantees quality and freshness in our product, if you are not satisfied or the product isn’t fresh (expired) you get the same exact item for free.

    Now I used to bombard the fuck out of HEB with finding expired stuff, especially high quality meat. People don’t want to pay $40-$50 for an organic brisket so it expires, I find it… I get a fresh one for free. Today I wasn’t looking for any expired items, but found organic sugar snap peas and I got them bitches for free.
    If you have questions about this policy you can call or email corporate.

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    My meal prep for this week is roughly $2.10 per meal… Subway can go fuck themselves.

    Moral of the story?
    All stores have a way for you to find some good deals… just figure the shit out. Paleo and whole30 isn’t expensive if you work the deals and sales.

    Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and cheapish.

    Pamela Martha Focker

    Whole30 AND Crossfit wtf am I thinking?

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    Holy shit balls Batman, I’ve done lost my ever loving mind!

    So if you follow me on IG you know most of my food consists of “Paleo-ized” junk food. Now when I say Paleo junk food, it doesn’t mean it’s not Paleo. It just mean shit that looks and tastes like it’s not Paleo.  Cookies, banana bread, Chocolate Thunder cake, waffles…. yep all that isn’t Whole30 approved. Am I sad about it? No, and it’s because I haven’t been feeling up to par lately. I’ve lost my spunk, and I’m not sure if it’s me missing my Love Pickle who’s been in and out of town for the last month or the new sweeteners I’ve introduced to my body. I’d rather not say what those are (they’re Paleo), but not every body reacts the same. Mine just so happens to be acting like a major bitch is all… Sorry body… I ♥ you. So besides the Paleo junk, I’m good to go on this “thang” and make it my bitch.

    Crossfit: definition of getting yo ass whooped, and I need it. Sweating isn’t to lose weight, (other than water weight) but its more releasing toxins in your body, which I need…obviously.
    So Groupon accepted my challenge and I got a sweet ass deal that’s just a few minutes from my house. Am I scared? Fuck yes. Am I gonna kill it? Fuck yes Probably not, but its worth a try. I have a couple of cheerleaders already.

    Moral of the story?

    Get yo shit right! Nobody is going to tell you what you need to do, but your own body. So get right and tight… well in my case firm….ish.

    Love you, bitches!♥

    Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned
    Pamela Martha Focker