Get your mind right
I’ve debated on writing this for awhile now and realized that someone out there may need to know that they are not alone.
I’m literally writing this in the middle of the night, so bear with me. There isn’t many fucks given when I’m wide awake,let alone at 3am.
I announced that I would be doing whole30 for 365 days, on 1/1/15. I figured if I could do this. Then my diet and my unhealthy food habits would be shattered and I could conquer anything. Like Xena the Warrior princess but with food. Like “I’ll kick your ass then eat a steak and sweet potato” type shit. I killed it for a solid month and a half,lost 16 pounds, went down 2 sizes, and was killing it in OLY.
Then, life hit me.
On February 21,2015 my life changed forever, and my children,my family,would never be the same.
My children were victims of sexual abuse,and right underneath my nose for years. To have to find out all this, then to pick up the pieces of my children,proved to be my breaking point. My daughter’s became my only and main priority,my health,my weight,and my physical strength became pointless to me because I wanted to comfort my kids.
Some of y’all may say:
“So what does this have to do with food?”
Calm your tits, I’m getting there…
I too had to deal with childhood sexual abuse,and I never got help for what was the inevitable, eating disorders. I was a 6 year old downing “Sara Lee “cheesecakes all by myself. I was a 6 year old who ate fast food every single morning. I was a 6 year old who was hiding a secret but ate my feelings instead of saying something.
Granted, I didn’t know a damn thing at the age of 6, but as an adult, I’m able to see why I was a chunky kid, it all really makes sense now.
I was addicted to food as a child, ate everything to hide every single secret.
Now as an adult, I am doing the same thing. Sure people have drug,alcohol,and substance abuse issues and get through it and cope with always being a sober addict. Because you never really get over an addiction,it just takes a traumatic event to fuck with you head and you regress. How can food be an addiction? Without it we can’t survive,it’s impossible. People deal with food addictions differently, some go on extreme diets and become obsessed with being skinny that they become unhealthy. Then some take the healthy approach and figure out how to lose the weight and have a healthy relationship with food.
I have a abusive relationship with my food right now. I curse at my pizza, it wants to go separate ways.
One minute I was in complete control of my diet,my life,my health, then the next minute I’m being swept into a ocean of pain,bitterness,and sorrow.
Like an old friend, I accepted it, I figured “fuck it, if holding my kids,wiping their tears keeps me from reaching my goal weight,then I’m a good mom, and that’s important”.
Mind you while I was on whole30 they were on a strict no eating out,no bread (gluten free and otherwise),no juice, no processed junk. Which did them good, but once I stopped caring ,they stopped caring.
To be hit with emotional train that fucks with your head, and to accept it,not only killed my diet,but it killed me. In the psychological sense. Granted my therapist says besides being angry person to begin with, I’ve noticed my faults and have to deal with them in psychologically healthy way. I mean,what the fuck does mean? My kids were violated, and I wanna eat my face off and not give a fuck. How do I just forget all this and become “Me” again?
Or is THIS “Me” the real me?
Is the real “Me” an angry,bitter,vengeful woman who wants to kick every ass of those who have fucked with my life and the lives of the people that I love?
Is the real “Me” the one who wants to eat pizza, and basic bullshit food that I’ve been against for the better part of my last 3 years of my life?
No,it’s not the real me. Truth is I’m a survivor of sexual abuse. I didn’t become a bad person. I didn’t have multiple sex partners, I left my goodies for my husband. I didn’t become anything other than a good funny mom, and a solid 5 (on a scale of 1-10) wife (I could do better but I wanna take a nap). Not to mention I am a personal chef, I help people get control of their eating habits and help find them the way to being “food and body happy”. The irony is making my stomach hurt, or it could be the ice cream I ate last night.
I help people,when I need to help myself. I have clients who are losing 6-12 pounds in 1-3 weeks of eating my food,but I’m eating hotdogs and ice cream. I’m just trying to think if Ghand or Buddha (homeboy loved to eat… 🙌❤️) had faults but helped the helpless.
So my life has become a struggle of my past life and my daughter’s current life. A struggle to find that mid point of happiness,health,and having a good relationship with food again.
And eventually I will snap back. Realize I’m literally killing myself with all the chai lattes,pepperoni pizzas,and carrot cakes.
I have to remember where I came from, my scars are badges of honor,not a scarlet letter to be ashamed of. What I do with my life,my girls will do the same. If I don’t cope with my anger,it will eat me up and I will eat pizza. 😦
So in writing this wasn’t so much for me,it for the females and possibly males who have had to deal with abuse as children or even adults. Who have lost themselves in a mound of chips,cakes, and pizza. Find you again, don’t let something like this kill you. Don’t be ashamed,and keep secrets. No one deserves to be happy more than you.
Who’s ashamed of being hurt in a car accident that was no fault of their own? It doesn’t make sense to be ashamed of what has happened or to even pay for what was NOT your fault.
So put the pizza down,and look at yourself, why should you pay the price for what someone did to you?
And whatever you do,don’t keep secrets from your own children, they need to know that this happens and they won’t feel so alone if it happens to them.