Get your mind right…

Get your mind right

I’ve debated on writing this for awhile now and realized that someone out there may need to know that they are not alone. 

I’m literally writing this in the middle of the night, so bear with me. There isn’t many fucks given when I’m wide awake,let alone at 3am
I announced that I would be doing whole30 for 365 days, on 1/1/15. I figured if I could do this. Then my diet and my unhealthy food habits would be shattered and I could conquer anything. Like Xena the Warrior princess but with food. Like “I’ll kick your ass then eat a steak and sweet potato” type shit. I killed it for a solid month and a half,lost 16 pounds, went down 2 sizes, and was killing it in OLY. 

Then, life hit me.

On February 21,2015 my life changed forever, and my children,my family,would never be the same.
My children were victims of sexual abuse,and right underneath my nose for years. To have to find out all this, then to pick up the pieces of my children,proved to be my breaking point. My daughter’s became my only and main priority,my health,my weight,and my physical strength became pointless to me because I wanted to comfort my kids. 

Some of y’all may say: 
“So what does this have to do with food?”

Calm your tits, I’m getting there…

I too had to deal with childhood sexual abuse,and I never got help for what was the inevitable, eating disorders. I was a 6 year old downing “Sara Lee “cheesecakes all by myself. I was a 6 year old who ate fast food every single morning. I was a 6 year old who was hiding a secret but ate my feelings instead of saying something. 

Granted, I didn’t know a damn thing at the age of 6, but as an adult, I’m able to see why I was a chunky kid, it all really makes sense now.

 I was addicted to food as a child, ate everything to hide every single secret.
Now as an adult, I am doing the same thing. Sure people have drug,alcohol,and substance abuse issues and get through it and cope with always being a sober addict. Because you never really get over an addiction,it just takes a traumatic event to fuck with you head and you regress. How can food be an addiction? Without it we can’t survive,it’s impossible. People deal with food addictions differently, some go on extreme diets and become obsessed with being skinny that they become unhealthy. Then some take the healthy approach and figure out how to lose the weight and have a healthy relationship with food. 

I have a abusive relationship with my food right now. I curse at my pizza, it wants to go separate ways. 

One minute I was in complete control of my diet,my life,my health, then the next minute I’m being swept into a ocean of pain,bitterness,and sorrow.
Like an old friend, I accepted it, I figured “fuck it, if holding my kids,wiping their tears keeps me from reaching my goal weight,then I’m a good mom, and that’s important”. 

Mind you while I was on whole30 they were on a strict no eating out,no bread (gluten free and otherwise),no juice, no processed junk. Which did them good, but once I stopped caring  ,they stopped caring. 

To be hit with emotional train that fucks with your head, and to accept it,not only killed my diet,but it killed me. In the psychological sense. Granted my therapist says besides being angry person to begin with, I’ve noticed my faults and have to deal with them in psychologically healthy way. I mean,what the fuck does mean? My kids were violated, and I wanna eat my face off and not give a fuck. How do I just forget all this and become “Me” again? 

Or is THIS “Me” the real me? 

Is the real “Me” an angry,bitter,vengeful woman who wants to kick every ass of those who have fucked with my life and the lives of the people that I love? 
Is the real “Me” the one who wants to eat pizza, and basic bullshit food that I’ve been against for the better part of my last 3 years of my life? 

No,it’s not the real me. Truth is I’m a survivor of sexual abuse. I didn’t become a bad person. I didn’t have multiple sex partners, I left my goodies for my husband. I didn’t become anything other than a good funny mom, and a solid 5 (on a scale of 1-10) wife (I could do better but I wanna take a nap). Not to mention I am a personal chef, I help people get control of their eating habits and help find them the way to being “food and body happy”. The irony is making my stomach hurt, or it could be the ice cream I ate last night. 

I help people,when I need to help myself. I have clients who are losing 6-12 pounds in 1-3 weeks of eating my food,but I’m eating hotdogs and ice cream. I’m just trying to think if Ghand or Buddha (homeboy loved to eat… 🙌❤️) had faults but helped the helpless. 

So my life has become a struggle of my past life and my daughter’s current life. A struggle to find that mid point of happiness,health,and having a good relationship with food again. 
And eventually I will snap back. Realize I’m literally killing myself with all the chai lattes,pepperoni pizzas,and carrot cakes. 
I have to remember where I came from, my scars are badges of honor,not a scarlet letter to be ashamed of. What I do with my life,my girls will do the same. If I don’t cope with my anger,it will eat me up and I will eat pizza. 😦

So in writing this wasn’t so much for me,it for the females and possibly males who have had to deal with abuse as children or even adults. Who have lost themselves in a mound of chips,cakes, and pizza. Find you again, don’t let something like this kill you. Don’t be ashamed,and keep secrets. No one deserves to be happy more than you. 

Who’s ashamed of being hurt in a car accident that was no fault of their own? It doesn’t make sense to be ashamed of what has happened or to even pay for what was NOT your fault. 

So put the pizza down,and look at yourself, why should you pay the price for what someone did to you? 
And whatever you do,don’t keep secrets from your own children, they need to know that this happens and they won’t feel so alone if it happens to them. 


10 thoughts on “Get your mind right…

  1. Your last paragraph hit home… I’ve never told my girls because I want to “menatlly protect” them from the sick people (family) that roam free. I didn’t have it as bad as others in my family but It definitely fucked with my head. I hope your family finds some peace and justice comes to anyone that hurt your babies.


  2. I am so sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this. Hold your babies. Love them, grieve, be angry, whatever you need to do, but know that out here in internet land, people are sending you a fuck ton of support and love.

  3. I wanted you to know I cried. I too was molested as a child and then raped several times as an adult. The only thing I fear now is for those things to happen to my daughter. I can not tell you how much this post means to me. It never occured that food had been a comfort for all of that, but looking back I see it now. And I always want better for my daughter and I know that means giving her the tools to deal with life as it comes. I just got back on the Paleo wagon after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and suffering for months and finally saying enough. Im on day 6 of my fresh start whole30. This gives me more motivation. Tools my daughter will need : a healthy body-mind-food relationship, and a martial arts training that will make predators go pale in the face. And of course support from mom.
    My sincere feelings of sorrow for you and your daughter, but great joy that your children have a kick ass mom like you to help them through it all!

  4. PMF, I sure hope the bastard who hurt your girls is getting what he deserves…please tell me you reported the fucker to the authorities…

  5. I started following you on Instagram awhile back because You’re flipping hilarious and I love it! This is my first blog of yours I’ve read. I can’t fathom your pain and healing needed in your family at this time. I can’t thank you enough for your honest yet painful share. Much love, blessings,comfort and healing to you all. Truly thank you!

  6. I’m a bit late to this discussion, but some things you said worry me, and I’m a therapist so I can’t ever turn this shit off:

    How is going off the rails, food-wise, going to help your children? Would it help to see your current situation as a kind of sudden-loss-of-air-pressure in an airplane? You need to fix your own mask first; otherwise, you won’t be physically able to help anyone else.

    Is part of this Whole 30 crash based on guilt because you didn’t stop the abuse before it happened? Does your health have to take a nose-dive as penance because you’re not clairvoyant? I’ve worked a lot with survivors of sexual abuse. Predators know how to look normal when adults are around. They put adults at their ease, they make themselves part of the group. I can virtually guarantee you that your children are not this man’s first victims. He’s had lots of practice making himself look harmless.

    How will it help your girls for you to jettison your health? How does that stabilize their world or comfort them? I know, junk food = comfort, but it’s strictly short-term, yeah?

    This man who abused your children would LOVE to know that you’ve made yourself sick because of what he did. Don’t give him that gift. How does this sound – your girls are so important to you, you want to be around for them for many, many years?

    You’ve got my email; please use it if you’d like to talk.

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