Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

You need my balls in your mouth

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There’s something so therapeutic about rolling balls between my hands.

I’ve been really stressed this week. Seriously, shit has been hitting the fan left and right. I may be more excited for school to end than my kids. I’m ready for the the kids and I to wake up whenever the hell we want, play all day, then slap shit on the grill and call it dinner while the kids run naked through the sprinklers and we call that a bath. Hope the neighbors don’t judge. Oh, who we kidding?! I’ll be sipping something tequila and not giving a fuck. But back to my balls…

I used to make truffles at a catering company I worked for years ago – chocolately, full of cream and tasty liquors, rolled in all kinds of delicious. I found it very relaxing, zoning out for hours rolling ball after ball of chocolate love. Anyway, my sweet tooth kicks into high gear when I’m stressed. Here’s my Paleo answer to truffle therapy.

Tools: Blender or food processor

Ingredients:
1 c almonds
2 c dates
2 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa
Shredded coconut (for rolling)

Directions:
1. Toss the almonds in the blender and pulse that shit until it’s coarsely ground. Go coarser if you want to be biting nuts, finer if you just like the nutty taste without the crunch. Your nuts, I won’t judge.

2. Add the dates and cocoa and chop until you’ve got a well mixed ball of ‘dough’.

3. Grease your hands (I used coconut oil, of course) and start rolling tablespoon sized balls.

4. Roll the balls in coconut or more cocoa.

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Just try rolling all of them without popping a few in your mouth. My kids liked these too, so I gave them a couple and said they were the last ones so I didn’t have to share. #smartmom

Gallon Gang

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aka The Pissin’ All The Time Crew

Guzzle up, Bitches! You know that soda is complete shit. (I just poured a can of cola down my shower drain to unclog it. Yumm!) But still… water is so damn… plain. You gave up crap, not your tastebuds. How the hell you gonna guzzle a gallon of water a day?!

Answer: Infuse dat shit! Pick your favorite fruit or berries, stuff them in you jar or water bottle, cover with water, and steep for at least 30 minutes in the fridge. Then sip away all day. You can even keep refilling your water over the same fruit for a day or so. Use your imaginations and add fresh herbs or green tea. You can even double down and keep your water cool with ice cubes stuffed with fruit. And it’s not just flavor you’re adding. Check out what some of this flavor enhancing shit is doing for you:

Lemon flushes out nasty shit from your body, aids weight loss, and balances the body’s pH.
Strawberry-kiwi aids in blood sugar regulation, digestion, and gives your immune system a mutha fucking jump start.
Cucumber-lime-lemon hydrates, helps get rid of bloating (ladies, you know when you need to be drinking this, right?), and helps with appetite control.
Mint-lime-green tea aids in fat burning, digestion, congestion and gets rid of… ahem… stank breath.

Bonus tip ‘cuz I care: Kegel, Kegel, Kegel! And cross your legs when you sneeze.

Cheers!
~dekini

#NoExcuses

Try:

  • ginger – mango
  • cucumber – mint
  • melons
  • lemon – ginger
  • pineapple – mint
  • strawberry – kiwi
  • watermelon – mint
  • raspberry – lime
  • ginger – mint – lime
  • Fail to plan, plan to eat shitty

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    See that right there? That gets my Tetris loving, OCDette ass feeling accomplished. Like, “hellz yeah! I’m gonna be awesome this week! Suck it, drive-thrus!” And I will. Cuz I got a plan.

    But J, I can’t do that. That looks hard.

    No. Just, no. You want this or not? Here’s the deal: Cooking a couple times a week instead of several times a day, every day is saving you time and all those wasted moments staring into the fridge wondering what the hell you should eat instead of that chocolate bar nobody knows is in your desk drawer. Most of all it saves you from yourself. (You know your hangry ass is out to get you, right?) You just need a plan, and I’m gonna help ya ’cause I’m a giver like that.

    Step 1: How much am I making? That’s up to you, sweetheart. Start with which meals. Lunch and snacks are fairly obvious. Dinners? Breakfasts? I prep for around four days. You can do more and pop half in the freezer for later in the week.

    Step 2: What am I making? Start simple and get fancy when you’ve for this down. For lunches and dinners, pick a couple of proteins (see Pamela’s previous post on making the meat section your bitch) and 2-3 veggies. Chicken boobies and an easy steak are about as simple as it gets. Veggies that you can roast are easy to do in bulk and stand up to reheating or eating cold in a pinch. Snacks – what’s easy to carry? Nuts, apples and nut butters, hard boiled eggs, pre-cut veggies… whatever keeps you on track. Make your list, check what you already have, and…

    Step 3: Shop Walk up and down isles procuring listed items, placing them in cart, paying before leaving. If you need me for this step, I’m not sure I can help you.

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    Step 4: Cook it and pack it Start washing and chopping. Preheat oven and fire up the grill. Having your shit ready to go is going to save you time and screw ups. Boil water if you’re boiling eggs. Prep veggies you’re gonna roast so you can keep a steady rotation of pans in and out of the oven if needed. While you’re waiting for things to finish, portion out your snacks. Tip: Err on the side of slightly underdone when cooking to account for reheating later. Pack that shit up and stack it Tetris style in your fridge.