What the fucking fuck!

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Oh I’ll just make some extra money to pay for crossfit, no big deal.

What a crock of shit,  seriously just shit.
So I’ve been MIA for months,  I’m sorry I have neglected you my little thuggsters.

Truth is, what I thought would be a small time gig of meal prepping for a few friends has turned into a company bigger than I ever knew was possible.

I went from meal prepping 45 meals to prepping over 300 in one day.

Now I can’t complain,  my main goal for starting all this shit was to bring awareness to people. Let them see how food really has an impact on your day to day living. 
You can either wake up feeling awesome after a 100% Paleo day or you can shit yourself after engulfing your face with nasty as fuck, McDonalds.

Your choice.

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Mama is feeling neglected. My poor baby doesn’t get her picture taken as much. Oh but she lets me know that when she lays her 75 pound behemoth ass right on me.

I love what I do, I love making people happy.

In the end that makes it worth it.

Eat my food and don’t shit yourself.

http://www.NoRepMealPrep.com
http://www.facebook.com/NoRepMealPrep

Keep it thuggish ruggish and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

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A chicken fried kick to the balls…

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I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right….motha fucka!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m in Texas, and was born and raised off fried fucking goodness.  Only difference now is I won’t die from it.
Being whole30/whole60 keeps me from doing many recipes as before, I used to crank the bitches out, but I can’t, because I get weak in the knees just thinking about my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh).

But what-the-fuck-ever, I’m good.

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Ok so you’ll need:

●2 eggs
●1 cup of almond meal (I made my own)
●2 Tablespoons of organic coconut milk(from the can)
●8 oz (weight) of chicharrones (pork skins, without the meat attached) crushed.
●2 lbs or so of grassfed cubed beef steak ( grassfed is so much more tender)
●chipotle infused olive oil (or coconut oil, which can handle higher heats)
●Salt and pepper for taste

Ok, so you’re probably thinking ,”what the fuck, pork skins?” Well get over it, the flavors blend so well it’s like a drop kick to your face, so shut the fuck up.

□heat pan (preferably stick-less)to medium (with EVOO) or high (coconut oil) and coat pan with your choice of oil (EVOO, coconut)

□Mix the eggs, coconut milk, add a pinch of S&P whisk the shit

□Mix almond meal and crushed chicharrones

□pat steak to make sure it’s dry…salt and pepper dat hoe, but not too much because there is a ton of salt naturally in the chicharrones.

□dip meat in egg mixture, then coat with dry mix, making to that you shake off excessive “breading”

□CAREFULLY ADD MEAT TO THE PAN!!! Dont burn your bitch ass because you’re excited to get this in your mouth!

□depending on thickness of your steak you’re looking at 4 minutes per side.

□ place cooked steaks on a paper towel to drain off oil.

■ eat that shit

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Now broccoli rice/couscous/quinoa:

Broccoli tops in a processor, sauteed in chipotle infused olive oil, with fresh slices of radish.

That’s it! It’s really not that hard, tag my ass on IG if you attempt this dish, because I think you’re in for a mouth ass whooping.

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Moral of the story:

Mama, I know you can’t wait,
but bitch you crazy if you think you getting my steak.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned
Pamela Martha Focker

Dear Grainfed cow, go fuck your mother.

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Wait, if it’s grassfed beef, does that mean the steak eats grass?

So this weekend has been a big ass experiment of grassfed and grainfed steaks of different sizes and cuts. It’s okay you can be jealous. I know I’d be crying like a little bitch.

So Friday evening, I got a little hair up my ass (#operationcavewoman) and decided to make a grassfed ribeye. > Meow < I've never been a ribeye gal – figured the shit was too marbled and tough for my liking, even cooked medium rare.

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Obviously, that shit was awesome cooked on medium heat on a flat top skillet for 3 minutes each side, and the tenderness was enough to make me lose my shit. It didn’t matter that the ribeye naturally has fatty chunks within it, because if yo ass doesn’t already know, grassfed beef has more of the good fat and provides more nutrients than a bald eagle’s egg or grainfed beef.

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Check that shit out! ↑↑↑ You’re not seeing things. Grassfed beef has less total fat than punk ass chicken. Which boggles my fucking brain. Why are we told beef is so bad?!
Grainfed beef is bad, but grassfed isn’t, bitches.

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That’s about all the info you need in makes a choice between the two, scientifically speaking anyways.

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So my jealous ass husband wanted steak and eggs the next morning, and being the awesome wife I am… I told him he can cook the shit. He’s awesome with the spices and keeping it 100% bullshit free. Well I fucked that shit up too… Nevermind the fact that it was strip steak, the fucker was on point.

Last night my husband wanted to see that bullshit ass fight and wanted to cook steak and shrimp on the pit. Being the fucking scientifical motha fucka I am I thought I’d try the $2.77/lb sirloin steak on sale. Which is by far my most favorite cut.

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The steak ended up probably being a bigger let down than the bitch ass fight. They were cooked just under medium rare – I mean the fuckers were still kicking on the plate. The taste was very good, and I mean tasty as fuck, but then again my husband is good about that. I swear he rubs the bitches on his balls for the flavoring.

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Needless to say the meat was tough as my callused feet after black Friday. I ate the shit, barely, but I had to slice it so thin. My husband, who thinks the grassfed thing is bullshit (motha fucka still eats my shit though), thought the grassfed was much more tender.

So that’s the run down of grassfed and grainfed beef. One costs more, the other requires more chewing and you shouldn’t consume it often, or your ass will be big as a cow with mad cow disease… and that’s not cool.

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Dear grassfed beef, get in mah belleh. Grainfed beef, go fuck your mother.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Fail to plan, plan to eat shitty

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See that right there? That gets my Tetris loving, OCDette ass feeling accomplished. Like, “hellz yeah! I’m gonna be awesome this week! Suck it, drive-thrus!” And I will. Cuz I got a plan.

But J, I can’t do that. That looks hard.

No. Just, no. You want this or not? Here’s the deal: Cooking a couple times a week instead of several times a day, every day is saving you time and all those wasted moments staring into the fridge wondering what the hell you should eat instead of that chocolate bar nobody knows is in your desk drawer. Most of all it saves you from yourself. (You know your hangry ass is out to get you, right?) You just need a plan, and I’m gonna help ya ’cause I’m a giver like that.

Step 1: How much am I making? That’s up to you, sweetheart. Start with which meals. Lunch and snacks are fairly obvious. Dinners? Breakfasts? I prep for around four days. You can do more and pop half in the freezer for later in the week.

Step 2: What am I making? Start simple and get fancy when you’ve for this down. For lunches and dinners, pick a couple of proteins (see Pamela’s previous post on making the meat section your bitch) and 2-3 veggies. Chicken boobies and an easy steak are about as simple as it gets. Veggies that you can roast are easy to do in bulk and stand up to reheating or eating cold in a pinch. Snacks – what’s easy to carry? Nuts, apples and nut butters, hard boiled eggs, pre-cut veggies… whatever keeps you on track. Make your list, check what you already have, and…

Step 3: Shop Walk up and down isles procuring listed items, placing them in cart, paying before leaving. If you need me for this step, I’m not sure I can help you.

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Step 4: Cook it and pack it Start washing and chopping. Preheat oven and fire up the grill. Having your shit ready to go is going to save you time and screw ups. Boil water if you’re boiling eggs. Prep veggies you’re gonna roast so you can keep a steady rotation of pans in and out of the oven if needed. While you’re waiting for things to finish, portion out your snacks. Tip: Err on the side of slightly underdone when cooking to account for reheating later. Pack that shit up and stack it Tetris style in your fridge.

Bacon.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

Beercan get in my belly!

Beercan get in my belly!

^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

Now on to serious fucking shit.

Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
So here’s my secret…
Bake the shit.
375 degrees for 22 minutes..
Lay those bitches out flat,
and crack fresh pepper on it.

Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

Moral of the story

You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!

It’s pronounced “thun-duh”, bitch.

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Here comes the boom..

So finally I got enough time to type this bitch up, I mean seriously I had the mother fucker, written on my journal for weeks. I kind of found myself being greedy with the recipe, considering how fucking awesome it is.
Be forewarned, I had someone take a small bite and it rocked their world…no really the flax seed fucked him up for days.

Flax seed and coffee is the double punch to your balls, straight up. If you’re eating dirty, chances are that your underwear will be dirty after eating this.

Dear Charmin,
You might notice an increase in sales and a demand for your toilet paper. It’s not a coincidence, that I published my chocolate thunder recipe. Imma need my money, boo boo.

This cake is so moist and delicious that it could be the clean version of the infamous Laxative cake prank. The only difference is it won’t hurt them and they’ll feel better about themselves the day after. I had my victim (unbeknownst to me, till he nearly shitted himself) feeling fresh and clear headed the next few days.

So handle my shit with care and love, or you might gets shitted on.

On a less shittier note, I’d like to introduce my bitch, my guh, my thugginess… Janella aka JDawg, she’s known on IG as @Dekini_fit. She’s my long lost sister,and she’s helping me by not only helping get the website together but now as a contributor. She’s awesome, and not only can she flip off people, she can flip big ass tires… check her out and keep your eyes peeled for her awesome ass words of motivation and shit.
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Moral of the story:

Shit just got real when you eat the THUNDUH!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and motha fucking toned!

Pamela Martha Focker

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Chocolate Thunder Cake

Makes 8-10 servings

Supplies:

  • Spring form pan or 2 – 9 in rounds
  • Mixer or processor

Ingredients:

  • 2/3 Almond meal
  • 1/3 c flax meal
  • 3/4 c cocoa powder
  • 2/3 c finely shredded coconut
  • 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1 c brewed black coffee (I use NOLA crème Brule)
  • 1/2 c of maple syrup
  • 1/2 c melted coconut oil
  • 5 pitted date
  • 6 eggs

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease cake pans with coconut oil.

Mix all the dry ingredients thoroughly in a bowl. Add all the wet ingredients to the processor and blend that shit until the dates are completely broken down. If your mixer is small, do it in batches. Slowly add the wet to the dry ingredients, mixing until there are minimal lumps. Pour into your greased up pans.

Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

#EatDatShit

Hunt and gather on a budget

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My butcher sees into the window to my soul… of my stomach

I’ve become accustomed to greeting my butcher guys – hell one calls me Momma and my love pickle Poppa. I know he’s just being friendly, and if I didn’t gain cheap meat because of his friendliness, I’d think he’s a complete asshole because I’m not that old. Fuck it. I get half priced meats 75% of the time, call me whatever you like. So when I go into HEB I look at expiration dates for two reasons. Here’s reason number one:

The store loses money when food goes out of date and marking stuff down gets product out before the sell by date.

Usually people don’t like expensive organic meats, so there is always tons of mark downs waiting for me. The best time to look for markdowns varies. It depends on sales. They don’t markdown on the new sale days, so in HEB’s case, Wednesday. It doesn’t really pertain to me because the butchers hold marked down meat for me… 🙂

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So today’s trip was awesome as fuck. 7 steaks, original price $57.30 total, sale price $28.38! That’s a savings of $28.92! $28.38 couldn’t pay for a grassfed ribeye anywhere, but I got 5 ribeyes and 2 stip steaks. $4.05 per steak?! I lost my shit in the middle of the meat department.
I do this often, in fact too often, other employees are bitter that I snagged meat for cheap while they are working… I feel bad don’t give a shit.

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I have a freezer full of fucking awesomeness, and you can be jealous as fuck. I know I would be.

Second reason I look at expiration dates:

At HEB stores they have a policy in effect stating the following:
HEB guarantees quality and freshness in our product, if you are not satisfied or the product isn’t fresh (expired) you get the same exact item for free.

Now I used to bombard the fuck out of HEB with finding expired stuff, especially high quality meat. People don’t want to pay $40-$50 for an organic brisket so it expires, I find it… I get a fresh one for free. Today I wasn’t looking for any expired items, but found organic sugar snap peas and I got them bitches for free.
If you have questions about this policy you can call or email corporate.

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My meal prep for this week is roughly $2.10 per meal… Subway can go fuck themselves.

Moral of the story?
All stores have a way for you to find some good deals… just figure the shit out. Paleo and whole30 isn’t expensive if you work the deals and sales.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and cheapish.

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de fuego fo yo ass

Balls of Fuego

Balls of Fuego

There… I’m typing up a fucking recipe.

I had to gather multiple napkins and papers soaked in sweet potato and coconut oil that I used for makeshift recipe notes and cards to get this bitch down right.  HA! Makeshift notes and cards. The worst one is on the back of my daughters picture of the days events. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy… but she got over it.

Excuse me for going in a completely different direction, but speaking of balls of fire, my woman balls have been on fire lately – not in a STD way but rather a vag slam – yogi wannabe way. Oddly, I like doing these challenges. Even though I look stupid as fuck on film, I like the fact that there is skinny bitches  girls out there who don’t have my stretchy capabilities. Imagine that, a big (ahem… healthy) old hag girl like myself can actually touch her toes. My hips hurt, and I can’t eat cabbage, but I feel greeeeeeeeeat! Big ups to TheUrbanPoser.com for helping me bring out the inner me, which is why I can’t eat cabbage.

So… all the recipes on this bitch are legit. Trial and error and all that shit – DONE. If you’re looking for substitutions, do me a favor and go fuck yourself…or you can just ask me, because I’m nice.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned bitches!

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de Fuego

Makes 24 mini meatballs

Supplies:

  • 24 count mini cupcake pan
  • Melon baller or mini cupcake scooper

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound of pork
  • 1 pound of veal
  • 1 egg
  • ¼ cup of almond meal
  • 1 tsp of salt
  • 3 tsp of Cajun seasoning
  • 1 tsp of fresh minced garlic
  • 1 tsp of Kortinge Pork seasoning

Instructions:

Mix all that shit up, thoroughly as fuck.

Form into balls with melon baller or cupcake scooper and place into 24 count mini cupcake pan bake for 20-25 minutes at 400 degrees.

#EatDatShit

Balls de fuego

Free ebook and sweet ass enchiladas

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In life, nothing is free, and if it is you’re probably getting drugged.

Life lesson for my kids. They should do well in life, I think.

Well this past week I have done a collaboration with a well-known IGer and because of her keen eye on fucking awesomeness, I gave her a detailed recipe of these good ass bitches here.

My brisket sweet potato enchiladas are the shit people…and they don’t make you shit or feel like shit after eating a whole pan like real enchiladas.

So in return for following me on IG, Twitter, and liking my FB page, you will get a free e-book with not only my sweet ass enchiladas but other awesome recipes.

So get on the ball bitches and tell everyone to follow to get their free e-book.

Keep it Thuggish, ruggish and toned

Pamela Martha Focker