How I made whole30 my bitch

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Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

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My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

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Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

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So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

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Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

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Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

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Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

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When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

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Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

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Gallon Gang

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aka The Pissin’ All The Time Crew

Guzzle up, Bitches! You know that soda is complete shit. (I just poured a can of cola down my shower drain to unclog it. Yumm!) But still… water is so damn… plain. You gave up crap, not your tastebuds. How the hell you gonna guzzle a gallon of water a day?!

Answer: Infuse dat shit! Pick your favorite fruit or berries, stuff them in you jar or water bottle, cover with water, and steep for at least 30 minutes in the fridge. Then sip away all day. You can even keep refilling your water over the same fruit for a day or so. Use your imaginations and add fresh herbs or green tea. You can even double down and keep your water cool with ice cubes stuffed with fruit. And it’s not just flavor you’re adding. Check out what some of this flavor enhancing shit is doing for you:

Lemon flushes out nasty shit from your body, aids weight loss, and balances the body’s pH.
Strawberry-kiwi aids in blood sugar regulation, digestion, and gives your immune system a mutha fucking jump start.
Cucumber-lime-lemon hydrates, helps get rid of bloating (ladies, you know when you need to be drinking this, right?), and helps with appetite control.
Mint-lime-green tea aids in fat burning, digestion, congestion and gets rid of… ahem… stank breath.

Bonus tip ‘cuz I care: Kegel, Kegel, Kegel! And cross your legs when you sneeze.

Cheers!
~dekini

#NoExcuses

Try:

  • ginger – mango
  • cucumber – mint
  • melons
  • lemon – ginger
  • pineapple – mint
  • strawberry – kiwi
  • watermelon – mint
  • raspberry – lime
  • ginger – mint – lime
  • Water.

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    Dear God, please don’t let me piss myself.

    Nothing says hydration than stuck in the pick-up lane all while your bladder is crying out.
    During whole30, its recommended you drink plenty of water. I thought “Game on, bitch. I can drink 67.6 ounces per da... fuck I got to pee”…. Drinking water seems so easy – drink water, pee, and move on, but it’s not.
    After having a water chugging battle with my daughter’s kindergarten teacher while being cheered on by her class “chug chug chug”(I ended up totally kicking her ass), I thought I’d be okay till I got home (8 minutes away).

    ******WAIT WAIT WAIT. Someone tell me how the hell do 5-6 year olds know about chugging?  I mean,  I know why mine does…******

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    My optimism almost made me piss my pants. My daughters were laughing so hard while I rocked the fucking car doing the potty dance in the driver seat. Needless to say they’re all grounded for 20 minutes. Drinking water has sort of helped the “Felicia Syndrome”, but I still feel lethargic and now I gotta pee more on top of that.

    Doctors recommend you drink 8 glasses of water, others say ounces per pound…which is a lot of fucking water. I’m the type of person who thinks there is water in all the food you eat and there is some water intake.  I just couldn’t see myself drinking my weight in water, unless I can piss on trees like drunkards and dogs.
    I don’t think Texas has come that far yet.

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    Moral of the story:
    Drink a shit load of water, wear pampers.

    Keep it thuggish, rugg….fuck I gotta pee