My first week of getting my ass kicked

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A true journey to wellness isn’t easy, so suck it up. Don’t be a punk ass bitch.

Yeah I say that to myself every time I can’t get out of the car, bed, and off the toilet.
I never ever considered myself to be fit, unless you consider ROTC (Marines) in high school five years ago (shhhh) close to being fit. Yeah I didn’t think so either.
Even knowing that I had an ass kicking coming my way I still said “fuck it”, I’m gonna take what’s coming to me like a champ.

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Day 1:
I threw up, like a bitch…
I’ve been told it’s not unusual for that to happen the first day. Well I popped my vomiting Wod cherry that day, and it felt good damn it. Lol

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Is this my knee, hell no...but I don't know you like that to show off my stumps. ♥

Day 2:
of fundementals, this shit happened.
I’m not the type of person who gives up easily but with certain things that effect my health, I’ll throw in the towel quick.

The motto is:

Check your ego at the door.

Well my ego is back at home, getting ready for a nap while watching Young and the restless. Yeah my ego is an asshole…

As y’all should know I have rheumatoid arthritis and because of that, I know what true pain is, and I really have fear of ever having it again. Hence the reason why I push my body to IT’S limits, not my brain’s limits.

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By the end of the second day of crossfit I realized I have a major knee problem. I actually figured the shit out when I was lifting myself from an air squat and started off on a 200 m run. That’s right I fell straight to my knee on concrete, did I stop? Fuck no. I wobbled my ass to the finish line. Funny thing is my knees don’t really hurt, they’re just weak ass bitches. My pep talks and words of praise don’t seem to help, so I started to call them obscene words. It’s sort of working.

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Then I have ultra fit hulkified crossfitters kicking ass around me, I decided to still fuck shit up, on what I feel is a gimp ass knee.

Did I do the WOD with no modifications?  Fuck no, wasn’t in the mood for months of therapy fucking up my knee, but I pushed myself to the point where I was actually telling my knees “fuck you”. It was a little weird running and yelling fuck you, but since when do I give a fuck?

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Day 3:

Knees a little better, kettleballs are dangerous for my lady balls. Seriously swinging that shit, I thought I’d die. The most difficult thing to do that day was the burpees, and modifying didn’t help, that’s right. I didn’t do all my reps :(.
Hey hey hey, I hear the roar of boos all the way over here, I’m not in crossfit to kill myself, I’m there to strengthen myself, suckas.

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The “bootylicious”,rock hard “everything” box owner Shondria Williamson, schooled me on what I was missing in my diet. Fish oil was a must for someone with any joint issues. She is super sweet-ish. The ish part comes from moving cones further away as previously noted. When we need to be pushed, she’s there to kick us into gear, or make us scream “shiiiiiit” out loud after the last 3 kettle ball swings. I actually need that…

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Day 4:
1600 meter run(check), timed shit.
My reps were 6/6/0/ fuck that shit,
Once again, I don’t claim to be a super fantastical crossfit fairy. I’m me… and “me” wanted to die of, not total knee weakness, but it was hot as fuck.  I smartened up and ate some bananas, drank some coconut water, and some fish oil (guhhhhh ross), which helped me get off the toilet the next day. Which is good because I was stuck on it for about 30-45 minutes, and almost ate the wall. Seriously, the worst pain is in my legs, and I want to wear a diaper this week.

That’s not weird.

Overall this week was a journey into what I need,which is:

● To fall, get back up,

● Push it, ( puh puh puh push it real good)

●understand my limits

● fear = weakness

● don’t wear t shirts, because it’s too hot, and ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

●wear a shit ton of deodorant because some people smelled ripe as fuck( not me, I secret outlast these hoes)

Special thanks to the trainers who help my ass….seriously.

Btw, I love how crossfit makes every muscle hurt, even the ones who didn’t think you had.
That’s right, I have a buttcrack muscle.

Now on to week 2.

For my followers from IG and FB:

Welcome to the thug dome, bitches

If you live in the Houston area drop me a line.

I plan on doing a local box review this week…awesome place great atmosphere, and they have a morning “Milf” workout… which I should be at, because I like to work out in the mornings (see what I did there?)

If you own a box, and want me to review it, email me and we can set something up.

Now on to make breakfast.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

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Dear Focker….

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Dear Focker, I’m craving a hotdog….

That’s right, Hashtagpaleo has launched, and now’s the time to submit your questions I’ll answer 5 each Friday. I’ll choose them by the most asked question or the most appropriate, or if you make my tummy tickle. Which is a must, because I like that kind of stuff.

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Take it easy people, I can’t curse. I keep it PG-13 on there, which means I can only say the F-word (fuck) 3 times….still trying to figure out if that’s in each post, or sentence? 

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Time to revert to the 5 year old me, before I wrote this ↑↑↑↑

Censorship makes my balls vagina itch (insert This girl’s on fire), but I wanna answer the shit poop outta y’all’s questions.

Email me
Paleothuglife@gmail.com

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned
PG-13,

Pamela Martha Focker

Beyond Bacon…there is such a thing.

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I was honored to be given a review copy of this pork bible, seriously it’s like the living word of pork.
I’ve learned so many things, from the lard to biscuits! Yes Paleo biscuits!
It’s a amazaballs!

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So I decided to make the smoked ribs, the dry rub was superb!
Now I’m a semi-expert at smoking meat, my husband is the original caveman in the house, he can smoke a brisket in his sleep…or at least while I sleep.

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Just this dry rub alone I give this cookbook 5 stars. It’s hard getting a rub to brown without burning the ribs, they came out browned perfectly and super tender on the inside.

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Mama agreed.

The book is on pre-order for a discount price, date of release is July 2.
Buy the book here.

Check out Stacy and her family on their awesome journey to health on their site www.paleoparents.com.

Thanks again Stacy!♥♥♥

I plan on larding my ass off this week.
This should be fun

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,
Pamela Martha Focker

Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

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 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

Where in the fuck did we go wrong?

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I’ll have what the turd slinging primate is having please.

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on a trip to the Houston Zoo with all 3 of my “chirrrens”. I have to say that I couldn’t believe how blind of a life I was living before I turned to a Paleo lifestyle. Before I would get my kids ice cream and complete bullshit and now I realize that I was led to believe that eating this was acceptable because we were at the zoo.

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Then I see shit like this.

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Boxes and boxes of lettuce and kale all over the mother fucking place, but we are not the type of species to eat shit like this or what?

099No our diet and needs are ice cream…

092dipping dots, $2.59 water that tends to be free most of the time.

093Cokes,floats and bullshit drinks that’s toxic to the animals in the zoo but not for the ones visiting the zoo. Fuck logic right?

030 It’s a damn shame that you can see the animals at the zoo that should be on your plate. I know.. barbaric, but I can’t remember someone saying eating fish damages the world in some apocalyptic way and we’ll all die from it. Coke cans,ice cream wrappers,plastic bottles…hmm that actually does fuck shit up. The fish got lucky that day, my daughter was watching…

050If only these bananas would have been ready for picking. I would have snatched up a bundle while wandering in the monkey exhibit. At this point (3 hours in) I was already hungry looking at boxes of yummy shit,watching a fish tease me with its meaty goodness…the ice cream wasnt looking too bad at this point.. or the expensive ass water. I felt bad for my daughter who had to see all these junk bitch food around, she kept saying “Mommy,all that food makes you poop on yourself,right?”, which at that point I felt proud,she knew.

 

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Mommy why does all the animals eat food like you?

It was hard to try to explain corporate America to her.. and needless to say she was confused. I don’t expect her to know just yet why fuckers do the things they do when they know better,but at least I can say I taught her to question everything she eats or whats around her.

It’s just sad knowing that the animals we pay to see know better than we do. What does that say about us? Are we so consumed with complete bullshit and eat what is feed to us? Who are the animals here? We eat processed foods and consider it “okay”. I for one am sick of the fucking shit. Don’t leave the fucking box of kale around me, Houston Zoo, cause I’ll eat that shit. Don’t leave pallets full of watermelon, cause I’ll fuck em all up.  When are y’all assholes gonna realize what you’re doing to our already fucked up future?

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Luckily for y’all and the rest of the animals,I brought my own shit,does that mean I can now “feed the animals,since it is what you feed them? Or is it the food you feed others that you don’t want them to have,but okay to feed MY children? BITCH PLEASE!

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It’s just nice to know that the primates that play with their shit and obsessively fondle their peckers, get fed better than the dumbass who paid to see that.

Just so you know. We all are the dumbass. You’re welcome.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish,and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

McDiet? More like McFullofshit!

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He must be dehydrated from diarrhea he’s had from eating azodicarbonamide, eating a big mac every other day.

So I came across an article from USA today, and this SHIT right here just straight pissed me the fuck off.
If America isn’t already trying to “fast-food” their asses off already, this mother fucker comes out with this shit.

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McDonald’s and diet don’t go hand in hand, not even the new “premium” Chicken wraps bullshit, because it’s obvious that green label is just a way to fool you into thinking it’s “healthy”.

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Now I didnt post that picture saying to eat a quarter pounder over a “premium” chicken club because in the end they BOTH have more calories than the Big Mac and all three contain bullshit.

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The one ingredient in all that shit that should make you shit yourself is: azodicarbonamide, a flammable chemical that is used in a shit ton of fast food breads (even your precious Subway, that bastard Jared is just like this Ceo mother fucker). For fuck sake, Singapore has some pretty severe penalties like up to 15 years in prison and $450,000 fine. So something is up, when is America going to catch up?
So then you might be thinking: “Well this bitch done fucked up my late night fast food run, I’ll ask for no bun then”.

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Look at all that fucking sugar and that hidden sugar shit too. What the fuck is vegetable protein?  Soy? Hmmm over 90% of America’s sources for soy are GMOs, and children we all know that’s gross as fuck.

So you might be thinking: “Fuck it, I’ll eat it and work it off the next day”.

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Well your best bet is to swim your ass off. I can’t swim for shit. I straight up wade in the water.
In the end it’s not about calories, it’s about the quality of your life.
You can’t expect a great quality of life eating additives and preservatives.

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I’d blend the fuck outta these fruits, granted it’s sugar, but it’s natural sugar.  None of that stupid ass corn syrup, or any -ose bullshit. 

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Is all the food available at McDonald’s bad? No. I think the lettuce seems safe.
If you’re not gonna worry about your health, McDonald’s sure as hell doesn’t give a fuck.

Moral of the story:

Don’t be a bitch, and buy McDonald’s bullshit.

.. oh and azodicarbonamide is found in yoga mats. NAMASTE MOTHA FUCKAS!!

Keep it thuggish ruggish and McDonald’s free

Pamela Martha Focker

I slice bitches, and avocados.

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How do you slice your avocados so awesomely?  You’re such a bad-ass…

Ok so that’s not word for word but I’ve been asked about my cutting skills for a while. So here ya go:

You need an avocado, obviously dumbass, and make sure it’s just under ripe, it needs to be firm otherwise the shit will be mushy. You need a decent ass knife too, mine is old as shit but besides the rust stains it can still cut a bitch. Dear Wolfgang puck, I need a refund.

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●cut the avocado (pictured)
  □making sure you cut all the way through and all around.
●twist the avocado till you have two pieces (pictured)

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●Score the avocado skin (that means cut the black shit) into a cross section.
□ carefully hold the firm avocado without cutting yourself or the avocado flesh.

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●Peel the avocado skin off.
   □apply a small amount of pressure to get under that skin…don’t fuck it up..because your rings will look shitty.

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Peeling the skin is really the easiest part if your shit is firm enough then you’ll be alright, if not..then just stop now…make guacamole, cause you’re wasting your time.

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●slice the avocado into rings
□I mean seriously, do you want me to do it for you?  It’s so easy a caveman can do it *pun intended*

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●pitting the avocado is a bit tough, but once you get the hang of it, you can stop crying.

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●With a firm grip whack the seed with the knife.
□whack twice to make a cross on the head

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●Usually one whack is enough but if not two will do.
□twist the seed out.
●repeat previous steps

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With all that work, from start to finish you’re looking at 2-4 minutes on time.
They’re fun to make and look so cute on plates.

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Moral of the story”

Fruit loops deez nuts, avocado rings are my fruit loops, that doesn’t give me the shits

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned

Pamela Martha Focker

I say the shit you won’t say.

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The movie Wall-e has reality to it.

Don’t bitch about what you can change!

When I seen the picture of these two (clearly obese) people ordering off their, what I assume is a Hover round, I was livid!
Am I completely fit? No. Do I still have a long way to go? Yes. Would you catch me in fast food lines? Fuck no.
I have come a long way, from being very sick with at least 3 things that were life threatening or required a shit ton of meds. For fuck sake, I was on chemotherapy medications! I found whole30/Paleo through my “snatch” doctor(I know fucking weird..who gives a shit…lol). He thought I was too young to be suffering so much and at my highest weight ever ( even through pregnancy) I realized: fuck this shit, I want better for my life and kids…I’m in complete control of me and I won’t be a mother fucking statistic.

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Do I judge people at the grocery store. Unfortunately yes. I hate thay about myself now. I see kids with parents who feed them over processed foods and call it nutritional. It’s so heart wrenching to believe that a change to the parents is a change to the future of humanity. If we continue with the “large is the new small” era, then we will all end up in scooters and wondering where did we go wrong.  If we don’t change the shit we do now, expect sickness in our children, expect daily medications, expect an early death, expect a horrible fucking life. My life was fucking horrible, I was in pain every day, I almost ended my marriage because I felt guilt of feeling helpless by my illnesses.

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Change doesn’t need to happen for a reason, or for a fucking season.  Change needs to start because your bitch ass is better than a double meat and cheese burger, because corporate America doesn’t need your money. Farms owned by familes need your money. McDonald’s doesn’t give a fuck if you get sick and die. You passed on your addictions to the next generation with false ideas of a “better breakfast” or bullshit toys in a box.
Get your mind right for our future and most importantly because you don’t want to be the one in a fast food lane ordering food on your scooter.

Moral of the story:

Bitch, put that punk ass burger down, and eat a grassfed ribeye. Corporate America hates it, but I love it. Fuck you McDonald’s!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and bullshit free,

Pamela Martha Focker

How I made whole30 my bitch

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Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

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My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

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Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

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So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

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Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

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Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

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Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

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When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

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Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

Damn! That’s a big bitch!

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Ol lazy ass bitch...♥

“Whoa, what the fuck is that?!?!”

This is the story of Mama, my infamous Instagram dog.
She’s a pitbull terrier mix, or at least that’s what was sort of told to me.

“She’s a french bulldog mix, she’s definitely not pitbull

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What french bulldog is this big, asshole!

Mama is a rescue dog, and when I mean rescue I mean just that.  She wasn’t saved from some bitch ass owner who didn’t feed her, or had her in fights. She was rescued by my brother on a very busy highway with another dog, and sadly the other dog was struck and killed, and this bad bitch was laying on it to protect the dead dog from more harm. When I first heard this I cried, like a punk bitch. Now mind you, this whole time I’m under the impression that this is a French bulldog mix seen small pictures of her. I figured the ears told the bulldog story more than anything.

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Gangsta ass dogs like tummy rubs.

When it was time to get her, I was nervous for two reasons: firstly: this was my husband’s anniversary present, and he’s already irritated because our hound dog wasn’t getting enough attention and “woos” all the time (beans isn’t that bad, he’s just a fat ass baby).
Secondly: she needed to be spayed ASAP because Beans wasn’t neutered himself. The only thing that ran through my head when I got her was:

” fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, that’s a big bitch!?!”

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#BitchesBeTrippingHard!

Besides little hiccups and persecution with other who just don’t understand hee breed, she’s the most loving dog ever! Don’t let that fool you, she’ll fuck you up. Real gangsta ass dogs do that type of shit. She protects us, she’s playful,she farts out loud, she smacks her lips when shes hungry (seriously the best shit ever) and she loves my sweet potato scraps. That’s my Mama…my bitch. Y’all will be seeing more of her on IG, she knows she’s famous and feeds off that attention. 

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Thug dogs wear bunny ears...they don't fuck around.

Moral of the story:
Don’t judge the breed, dumbass!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned, bitches,

Pamela Martha Focker