Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

Dear Focker….

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Dear Focker, I’m craving a hotdog….

That’s right, Hashtagpaleo has launched, and now’s the time to submit your questions I’ll answer 5 each Friday. I’ll choose them by the most asked question or the most appropriate, or if you make my tummy tickle. Which is a must, because I like that kind of stuff.

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Take it easy people, I can’t curse. I keep it PG-13 on there, which means I can only say the F-word (fuck) 3 times….still trying to figure out if that’s in each post, or sentence? 

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Time to revert to the 5 year old me, before I wrote this ↑↑↑↑

Censorship makes my balls vagina itch (insert This girl’s on fire), but I wanna answer the shit poop outta y’all’s questions.

Email me
Paleothuglife@gmail.com

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned
PG-13,

Pamela Martha Focker

Beyond Bacon…there is such a thing.

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I was honored to be given a review copy of this pork bible, seriously it’s like the living word of pork.
I’ve learned so many things, from the lard to biscuits! Yes Paleo biscuits!
It’s a amazaballs!

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So I decided to make the smoked ribs, the dry rub was superb!
Now I’m a semi-expert at smoking meat, my husband is the original caveman in the house, he can smoke a brisket in his sleep…or at least while I sleep.

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Just this dry rub alone I give this cookbook 5 stars. It’s hard getting a rub to brown without burning the ribs, they came out browned perfectly and super tender on the inside.

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Mama agreed.

The book is on pre-order for a discount price, date of release is July 2.
Buy the book here.

Check out Stacy and her family on their awesome journey to health on their site www.paleoparents.com.

Thanks again Stacy!♥♥♥

I plan on larding my ass off this week.
This should be fun

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,
Pamela Martha Focker

Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

trh rolls

 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

A chicken fried kick to the balls…

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I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right….motha fucka!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m in Texas, and was born and raised off fried fucking goodness.  Only difference now is I won’t die from it.
Being whole30/whole60 keeps me from doing many recipes as before, I used to crank the bitches out, but I can’t, because I get weak in the knees just thinking about my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh).

But what-the-fuck-ever, I’m good.

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Ok so you’ll need:

●2 eggs
●1 cup of almond meal (I made my own)
●2 Tablespoons of organic coconut milk(from the can)
●8 oz (weight) of chicharrones (pork skins, without the meat attached) crushed.
●2 lbs or so of grassfed cubed beef steak ( grassfed is so much more tender)
●chipotle infused olive oil (or coconut oil, which can handle higher heats)
●Salt and pepper for taste

Ok, so you’re probably thinking ,”what the fuck, pork skins?” Well get over it, the flavors blend so well it’s like a drop kick to your face, so shut the fuck up.

□heat pan (preferably stick-less)to medium (with EVOO) or high (coconut oil) and coat pan with your choice of oil (EVOO, coconut)

□Mix the eggs, coconut milk, add a pinch of S&P whisk the shit

□Mix almond meal and crushed chicharrones

□pat steak to make sure it’s dry…salt and pepper dat hoe, but not too much because there is a ton of salt naturally in the chicharrones.

□dip meat in egg mixture, then coat with dry mix, making to that you shake off excessive “breading”

□CAREFULLY ADD MEAT TO THE PAN!!! Dont burn your bitch ass because you’re excited to get this in your mouth!

□depending on thickness of your steak you’re looking at 4 minutes per side.

□ place cooked steaks on a paper towel to drain off oil.

■ eat that shit

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Now broccoli rice/couscous/quinoa:

Broccoli tops in a processor, sauteed in chipotle infused olive oil, with fresh slices of radish.

That’s it! It’s really not that hard, tag my ass on IG if you attempt this dish, because I think you’re in for a mouth ass whooping.

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Moral of the story:

Mama, I know you can’t wait,
but bitch you crazy if you think you getting my steak.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned
Pamela Martha Focker

You need my balls in your mouth

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There’s something so therapeutic about rolling balls between my hands.

I’ve been really stressed this week. Seriously, shit has been hitting the fan left and right. I may be more excited for school to end than my kids. I’m ready for the the kids and I to wake up whenever the hell we want, play all day, then slap shit on the grill and call it dinner while the kids run naked through the sprinklers and we call that a bath. Hope the neighbors don’t judge. Oh, who we kidding?! I’ll be sipping something tequila and not giving a fuck. But back to my balls…

I used to make truffles at a catering company I worked for years ago – chocolately, full of cream and tasty liquors, rolled in all kinds of delicious. I found it very relaxing, zoning out for hours rolling ball after ball of chocolate love. Anyway, my sweet tooth kicks into high gear when I’m stressed. Here’s my Paleo answer to truffle therapy.

Tools: Blender or food processor

Ingredients:
1 c almonds
2 c dates
2 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa
Shredded coconut (for rolling)

Directions:
1. Toss the almonds in the blender and pulse that shit until it’s coarsely ground. Go coarser if you want to be biting nuts, finer if you just like the nutty taste without the crunch. Your nuts, I won’t judge.

2. Add the dates and cocoa and chop until you’ve got a well mixed ball of ‘dough’.

3. Grease your hands (I used coconut oil, of course) and start rolling tablespoon sized balls.

4. Roll the balls in coconut or more cocoa.

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Just try rolling all of them without popping a few in your mouth. My kids liked these too, so I gave them a couple and said they were the last ones so I didn’t have to share. #smartmom

How I made whole30 my bitch

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Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

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My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

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Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

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So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

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Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

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Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

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Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

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When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

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Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

Dear Grainfed cow, go fuck your mother.

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Wait, if it’s grassfed beef, does that mean the steak eats grass?

So this weekend has been a big ass experiment of grassfed and grainfed steaks of different sizes and cuts. It’s okay you can be jealous. I know I’d be crying like a little bitch.

So Friday evening, I got a little hair up my ass (#operationcavewoman) and decided to make a grassfed ribeye. > Meow < I've never been a ribeye gal – figured the shit was too marbled and tough for my liking, even cooked medium rare.

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Obviously, that shit was awesome cooked on medium heat on a flat top skillet for 3 minutes each side, and the tenderness was enough to make me lose my shit. It didn’t matter that the ribeye naturally has fatty chunks within it, because if yo ass doesn’t already know, grassfed beef has more of the good fat and provides more nutrients than a bald eagle’s egg or grainfed beef.

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Check that shit out! ↑↑↑ You’re not seeing things. Grassfed beef has less total fat than punk ass chicken. Which boggles my fucking brain. Why are we told beef is so bad?!
Grainfed beef is bad, but grassfed isn’t, bitches.

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That’s about all the info you need in makes a choice between the two, scientifically speaking anyways.

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So my jealous ass husband wanted steak and eggs the next morning, and being the awesome wife I am… I told him he can cook the shit. He’s awesome with the spices and keeping it 100% bullshit free. Well I fucked that shit up too… Nevermind the fact that it was strip steak, the fucker was on point.

Last night my husband wanted to see that bullshit ass fight and wanted to cook steak and shrimp on the pit. Being the fucking scientifical motha fucka I am I thought I’d try the $2.77/lb sirloin steak on sale. Which is by far my most favorite cut.

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The steak ended up probably being a bigger let down than the bitch ass fight. They were cooked just under medium rare – I mean the fuckers were still kicking on the plate. The taste was very good, and I mean tasty as fuck, but then again my husband is good about that. I swear he rubs the bitches on his balls for the flavoring.

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Needless to say the meat was tough as my callused feet after black Friday. I ate the shit, barely, but I had to slice it so thin. My husband, who thinks the grassfed thing is bullshit (motha fucka still eats my shit though), thought the grassfed was much more tender.

So that’s the run down of grassfed and grainfed beef. One costs more, the other requires more chewing and you shouldn’t consume it often, or your ass will be big as a cow with mad cow disease… and that’s not cool.

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Dear grassfed beef, get in mah belleh. Grainfed beef, go fuck your mother.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Gallon Gang

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aka The Pissin’ All The Time Crew

Guzzle up, Bitches! You know that soda is complete shit. (I just poured a can of cola down my shower drain to unclog it. Yumm!) But still… water is so damn… plain. You gave up crap, not your tastebuds. How the hell you gonna guzzle a gallon of water a day?!

Answer: Infuse dat shit! Pick your favorite fruit or berries, stuff them in you jar or water bottle, cover with water, and steep for at least 30 minutes in the fridge. Then sip away all day. You can even keep refilling your water over the same fruit for a day or so. Use your imaginations and add fresh herbs or green tea. You can even double down and keep your water cool with ice cubes stuffed with fruit. And it’s not just flavor you’re adding. Check out what some of this flavor enhancing shit is doing for you:

Lemon flushes out nasty shit from your body, aids weight loss, and balances the body’s pH.
Strawberry-kiwi aids in blood sugar regulation, digestion, and gives your immune system a mutha fucking jump start.
Cucumber-lime-lemon hydrates, helps get rid of bloating (ladies, you know when you need to be drinking this, right?), and helps with appetite control.
Mint-lime-green tea aids in fat burning, digestion, congestion and gets rid of… ahem… stank breath.

Bonus tip ‘cuz I care: Kegel, Kegel, Kegel! And cross your legs when you sneeze.

Cheers!
~dekini

#NoExcuses

Try:

  • ginger – mango
  • cucumber – mint
  • melons
  • lemon – ginger
  • pineapple – mint
  • strawberry – kiwi
  • watermelon – mint
  • raspberry – lime
  • ginger – mint – lime