Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

Beyond Bacon…there is such a thing.

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I was honored to be given a review copy of this pork bible, seriously it’s like the living word of pork.
I’ve learned so many things, from the lard to biscuits! Yes Paleo biscuits!
It’s a amazaballs!

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So I decided to make the smoked ribs, the dry rub was superb!
Now I’m a semi-expert at smoking meat, my husband is the original caveman in the house, he can smoke a brisket in his sleep…or at least while I sleep.

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Just this dry rub alone I give this cookbook 5 stars. It’s hard getting a rub to brown without burning the ribs, they came out browned perfectly and super tender on the inside.

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Mama agreed.

The book is on pre-order for a discount price, date of release is July 2.
Buy the book here.

Check out Stacy and her family on their awesome journey to health on their site www.paleoparents.com.

Thanks again Stacy!♥♥♥

I plan on larding my ass off this week.
This should be fun

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,
Pamela Martha Focker

Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

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 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

How I made whole30 my bitch

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Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

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My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

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Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

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So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

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Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

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Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

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Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

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When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

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Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

Dear Grainfed cow, go fuck your mother.

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Wait, if it’s grassfed beef, does that mean the steak eats grass?

So this weekend has been a big ass experiment of grassfed and grainfed steaks of different sizes and cuts. It’s okay you can be jealous. I know I’d be crying like a little bitch.

So Friday evening, I got a little hair up my ass (#operationcavewoman) and decided to make a grassfed ribeye. > Meow < I've never been a ribeye gal – figured the shit was too marbled and tough for my liking, even cooked medium rare.

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Obviously, that shit was awesome cooked on medium heat on a flat top skillet for 3 minutes each side, and the tenderness was enough to make me lose my shit. It didn’t matter that the ribeye naturally has fatty chunks within it, because if yo ass doesn’t already know, grassfed beef has more of the good fat and provides more nutrients than a bald eagle’s egg or grainfed beef.

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Check that shit out! ↑↑↑ You’re not seeing things. Grassfed beef has less total fat than punk ass chicken. Which boggles my fucking brain. Why are we told beef is so bad?!
Grainfed beef is bad, but grassfed isn’t, bitches.

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That’s about all the info you need in makes a choice between the two, scientifically speaking anyways.

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So my jealous ass husband wanted steak and eggs the next morning, and being the awesome wife I am… I told him he can cook the shit. He’s awesome with the spices and keeping it 100% bullshit free. Well I fucked that shit up too… Nevermind the fact that it was strip steak, the fucker was on point.

Last night my husband wanted to see that bullshit ass fight and wanted to cook steak and shrimp on the pit. Being the fucking scientifical motha fucka I am I thought I’d try the $2.77/lb sirloin steak on sale. Which is by far my most favorite cut.

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The steak ended up probably being a bigger let down than the bitch ass fight. They were cooked just under medium rare – I mean the fuckers were still kicking on the plate. The taste was very good, and I mean tasty as fuck, but then again my husband is good about that. I swear he rubs the bitches on his balls for the flavoring.

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Needless to say the meat was tough as my callused feet after black Friday. I ate the shit, barely, but I had to slice it so thin. My husband, who thinks the grassfed thing is bullshit (motha fucka still eats my shit though), thought the grassfed was much more tender.

So that’s the run down of grassfed and grainfed beef. One costs more, the other requires more chewing and you shouldn’t consume it often, or your ass will be big as a cow with mad cow disease… and that’s not cool.

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Dear grassfed beef, get in mah belleh. Grainfed beef, go fuck your mother.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Fail to plan, plan to eat shitty

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See that right there? That gets my Tetris loving, OCDette ass feeling accomplished. Like, “hellz yeah! I’m gonna be awesome this week! Suck it, drive-thrus!” And I will. Cuz I got a plan.

But J, I can’t do that. That looks hard.

No. Just, no. You want this or not? Here’s the deal: Cooking a couple times a week instead of several times a day, every day is saving you time and all those wasted moments staring into the fridge wondering what the hell you should eat instead of that chocolate bar nobody knows is in your desk drawer. Most of all it saves you from yourself. (You know your hangry ass is out to get you, right?) You just need a plan, and I’m gonna help ya ’cause I’m a giver like that.

Step 1: How much am I making? That’s up to you, sweetheart. Start with which meals. Lunch and snacks are fairly obvious. Dinners? Breakfasts? I prep for around four days. You can do more and pop half in the freezer for later in the week.

Step 2: What am I making? Start simple and get fancy when you’ve for this down. For lunches and dinners, pick a couple of proteins (see Pamela’s previous post on making the meat section your bitch) and 2-3 veggies. Chicken boobies and an easy steak are about as simple as it gets. Veggies that you can roast are easy to do in bulk and stand up to reheating or eating cold in a pinch. Snacks – what’s easy to carry? Nuts, apples and nut butters, hard boiled eggs, pre-cut veggies… whatever keeps you on track. Make your list, check what you already have, and…

Step 3: Shop Walk up and down isles procuring listed items, placing them in cart, paying before leaving. If you need me for this step, I’m not sure I can help you.

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Step 4: Cook it and pack it Start washing and chopping. Preheat oven and fire up the grill. Having your shit ready to go is going to save you time and screw ups. Boil water if you’re boiling eggs. Prep veggies you’re gonna roast so you can keep a steady rotation of pans in and out of the oven if needed. While you’re waiting for things to finish, portion out your snacks. Tip: Err on the side of slightly underdone when cooking to account for reheating later. Pack that shit up and stack it Tetris style in your fridge.

Bacon.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

Beercan get in my belly!

Beercan get in my belly!

^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

Now on to serious fucking shit.

Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
So here’s my secret…
Bake the shit.
375 degrees for 22 minutes..
Lay those bitches out flat,
and crack fresh pepper on it.

Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

Moral of the story

You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!

Hunt and gather on a budget

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My butcher sees into the window to my soul… of my stomach

I’ve become accustomed to greeting my butcher guys – hell one calls me Momma and my love pickle Poppa. I know he’s just being friendly, and if I didn’t gain cheap meat because of his friendliness, I’d think he’s a complete asshole because I’m not that old. Fuck it. I get half priced meats 75% of the time, call me whatever you like. So when I go into HEB I look at expiration dates for two reasons. Here’s reason number one:

The store loses money when food goes out of date and marking stuff down gets product out before the sell by date.

Usually people don’t like expensive organic meats, so there is always tons of mark downs waiting for me. The best time to look for markdowns varies. It depends on sales. They don’t markdown on the new sale days, so in HEB’s case, Wednesday. It doesn’t really pertain to me because the butchers hold marked down meat for me… 🙂

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So today’s trip was awesome as fuck. 7 steaks, original price $57.30 total, sale price $28.38! That’s a savings of $28.92! $28.38 couldn’t pay for a grassfed ribeye anywhere, but I got 5 ribeyes and 2 stip steaks. $4.05 per steak?! I lost my shit in the middle of the meat department.
I do this often, in fact too often, other employees are bitter that I snagged meat for cheap while they are working… I feel bad don’t give a shit.

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I have a freezer full of fucking awesomeness, and you can be jealous as fuck. I know I would be.

Second reason I look at expiration dates:

At HEB stores they have a policy in effect stating the following:
HEB guarantees quality and freshness in our product, if you are not satisfied or the product isn’t fresh (expired) you get the same exact item for free.

Now I used to bombard the fuck out of HEB with finding expired stuff, especially high quality meat. People don’t want to pay $40-$50 for an organic brisket so it expires, I find it… I get a fresh one for free. Today I wasn’t looking for any expired items, but found organic sugar snap peas and I got them bitches for free.
If you have questions about this policy you can call or email corporate.

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My meal prep for this week is roughly $2.10 per meal… Subway can go fuck themselves.

Moral of the story?
All stores have a way for you to find some good deals… just figure the shit out. Paleo and whole30 isn’t expensive if you work the deals and sales.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and cheapish.

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de fuego fo yo ass

Balls of Fuego

Balls of Fuego

There… I’m typing up a fucking recipe.

I had to gather multiple napkins and papers soaked in sweet potato and coconut oil that I used for makeshift recipe notes and cards to get this bitch down right.  HA! Makeshift notes and cards. The worst one is on the back of my daughters picture of the days events. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy… but she got over it.

Excuse me for going in a completely different direction, but speaking of balls of fire, my woman balls have been on fire lately – not in a STD way but rather a vag slam – yogi wannabe way. Oddly, I like doing these challenges. Even though I look stupid as fuck on film, I like the fact that there is skinny bitches  girls out there who don’t have my stretchy capabilities. Imagine that, a big (ahem… healthy) old hag girl like myself can actually touch her toes. My hips hurt, and I can’t eat cabbage, but I feel greeeeeeeeeat! Big ups to TheUrbanPoser.com for helping me bring out the inner me, which is why I can’t eat cabbage.

So… all the recipes on this bitch are legit. Trial and error and all that shit – DONE. If you’re looking for substitutions, do me a favor and go fuck yourself…or you can just ask me, because I’m nice.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned bitches!

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de Fuego

Makes 24 mini meatballs

Supplies:

  • 24 count mini cupcake pan
  • Melon baller or mini cupcake scooper

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound of pork
  • 1 pound of veal
  • 1 egg
  • ¼ cup of almond meal
  • 1 tsp of salt
  • 3 tsp of Cajun seasoning
  • 1 tsp of fresh minced garlic
  • 1 tsp of Kortinge Pork seasoning

Instructions:

Mix all that shit up, thoroughly as fuck.

Form into balls with melon baller or cupcake scooper and place into 24 count mini cupcake pan bake for 20-25 minutes at 400 degrees.

#EatDatShit

Balls de fuego