Aint nothing wrong, being strong.

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I want to do Crossfit, I’m just afraid to get big and bulky.

Really?
So you rather be limp, skinny, untoned and just blah?

I used to have that mentality, men are to look strong,women are to look dainty and shit. Then I cut my Barbie’s hair off and put my brother’s G.I.Joe gear on her.

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Sarena coach of crossfit propel in Pearland, Tx

Why should we stay in a certain place?
Why can’t we be cute and still able to kick your ass?

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Take for example my friend and fellow Paleo blogger Stephanie of http://www.stupideasypaleo.com
She’s an amazing crossfitter and even though she can man handle a bar….

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…beast mode through pullups getting her team through to the next round of regionals…

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… she can still look cute and cook the shit out of anything.

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As a society we are consumed with looking like the model on the most recent runway, WHY!?!?

If Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Briggs got into a fight, guess who’s going down?

Why be weak?
Strong is the new sexy, bitches!

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Shondria owner of Crossfit Graffiti in Houston, tx

So stop wanting to be the bitch on the cover of PEOPLE magazine, be that girl who can kick her ass.

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Rise up ladies, be strong, be beautiful be crossfit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and fucking toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

My first month of crossfit…done

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I won’t be able to do this, I should give up before I hurt myself

Ha! Who would of thought that I’d have said that on my second day of Crossfit bootcamp?
I was scared, my knees were weak and I felt horrible about being last.
The fact that the coaches had to modify wasn’t any better.

I’m glad I didn’t give up because I feel like a fucking beast, seriously like nothing can stop me.
I think about how far I have come and I cry, literally I’m on the toilet crying. Not sure if that’s because of the situation or that my legs are on fire. Either way it makes me happy.

I know there is a lot of people in my same position, wondering if they could do it, doubting themselves, wanting to quit after the first day. Well I’m here to tell you, if I can do it, you can. A year ago I was sick..I was at my fattest I was at my lowest. I took medication after medication and nothing helped.
I’m grateful to see my own progress through Paleo, but thrilled at my progress in Crossfit.

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I’ve never felt like I accomplished much in life (besides graduation, associates in science, changing the occasionally pamper in the middle of the night) but with the gift of Paleo and Crossfit I feel so much I can do and have done.

To go from not finishing the WOD and throwing up, to beasting the shit out of an AMRAP WOD. I’ve accomplished my life, my health and most of all my love for crossfit.

Through the smells,”fuuuuuck”s,”shit”s, and sweat soaked t-shirts and head bands, I’m a crossfit addict.

And I’m proud to say I started my roots in a damn good place. Shondria from Crossfit Graffiti, along with my coaches: Amy(who’s single and very beautiful), Ana, and Juan, who kicked the living shit out of me and didn’t let me quit. To the awesome friends I made who told me ” Don’t be a bitch” (thanks Ashley, Jennifer, and Dallas)when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.

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It’s because of you all and my loving supportive husband that I made myself push through to the next rep.

Oh not to mention my kids “showing” me the proper way to do a burpee…♥

From one box to another, I’m joining one of the first indoor crossfit gyms in my area, and as long as I feed them chocolate thunder they promise to kick my ass… this should be fun.

Watch out Crossfit Propel!

Don’t let yourself, keep yourself, from finding yourself.

Crossfit isn’t for everyone, like bitches…
You’re not a bitch… so get to it, stop waiting.

Now on to month two.. who’s coming with me?

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Whole90 and why I didn’t die.

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Whole90 day 1

90 days without my chocolate thunduh? #fuck

So it’s been 12 weeks since I’ve had any type of sweetness, besides fruit…I’m actually surprised I’ve gone this long without fucking up my Paleo granola.

I get a lot of ” damn, you’re fucking awesome for going 90 days” and “you are my hero for going this long”. Truth is, it’s really not that hard

We have it made up in our minds that we can’t live without our sugars and sweets, fuck even the Paleo approved shit.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard trying not to stuff my face of “Paleo” junk food. Slimming down dramatically (along side Crossfit) helped keep me in check, and remember my goal. The biggest thing to keep me from fucking up a mug cake or two, y’all mother fuckers.

Posting my shit on IG has been my savior, y’all keep me on my toes and hold me accountable. Which is good, otherwise I would of caved in by day 2, not really I’m thinking mid afternoon on day 1.

The weird part, I don’t want to stop my whole90 experience. Oddly, I just might continue on my journey. Haven’t figured it out just yet. Anything is possible.
The differences I’ve felt with Whole90 has been such an awesome experience that I want to see how much more it can change me. I went from “okay” type energy to enough to do my daily mother/blogger/crossfitter/wifely duties. 

If you’re thinking about doing the whole30/60/90 I recommend  the shit out of it. Need energy? Have autoimmune pain?  Need an extra kick to get you out that weight loss plateau?
Whole90 motha fuckas!

Whole30-for the regulars
Whole60-for the strong
Whole90-beast mode

Now excuse me while I get ready for the Wod.

Have questions?
Email me: Paleothuglife@Gmail.com Need recipes? Wait for the in progress     ebook.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

My first week of getting my ass kicked

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A true journey to wellness isn’t easy, so suck it up. Don’t be a punk ass bitch.

Yeah I say that to myself every time I can’t get out of the car, bed, and off the toilet.
I never ever considered myself to be fit, unless you consider ROTC (Marines) in high school five years ago (shhhh) close to being fit. Yeah I didn’t think so either.
Even knowing that I had an ass kicking coming my way I still said “fuck it”, I’m gonna take what’s coming to me like a champ.

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Day 1:
I threw up, like a bitch…
I’ve been told it’s not unusual for that to happen the first day. Well I popped my vomiting Wod cherry that day, and it felt good damn it. Lol

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Is this my knee, hell no...but I don't know you like that to show off my stumps. ♥

Day 2:
of fundementals, this shit happened.
I’m not the type of person who gives up easily but with certain things that effect my health, I’ll throw in the towel quick.

The motto is:

Check your ego at the door.

Well my ego is back at home, getting ready for a nap while watching Young and the restless. Yeah my ego is an asshole…

As y’all should know I have rheumatoid arthritis and because of that, I know what true pain is, and I really have fear of ever having it again. Hence the reason why I push my body to IT’S limits, not my brain’s limits.

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By the end of the second day of crossfit I realized I have a major knee problem. I actually figured the shit out when I was lifting myself from an air squat and started off on a 200 m run. That’s right I fell straight to my knee on concrete, did I stop? Fuck no. I wobbled my ass to the finish line. Funny thing is my knees don’t really hurt, they’re just weak ass bitches. My pep talks and words of praise don’t seem to help, so I started to call them obscene words. It’s sort of working.

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Then I have ultra fit hulkified crossfitters kicking ass around me, I decided to still fuck shit up, on what I feel is a gimp ass knee.

Did I do the WOD with no modifications?  Fuck no, wasn’t in the mood for months of therapy fucking up my knee, but I pushed myself to the point where I was actually telling my knees “fuck you”. It was a little weird running and yelling fuck you, but since when do I give a fuck?

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Day 3:

Knees a little better, kettleballs are dangerous for my lady balls. Seriously swinging that shit, I thought I’d die. The most difficult thing to do that day was the burpees, and modifying didn’t help, that’s right. I didn’t do all my reps :(.
Hey hey hey, I hear the roar of boos all the way over here, I’m not in crossfit to kill myself, I’m there to strengthen myself, suckas.

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The “bootylicious”,rock hard “everything” box owner Shondria Williamson, schooled me on what I was missing in my diet. Fish oil was a must for someone with any joint issues. She is super sweet-ish. The ish part comes from moving cones further away as previously noted. When we need to be pushed, she’s there to kick us into gear, or make us scream “shiiiiiit” out loud after the last 3 kettle ball swings. I actually need that…

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Day 4:
1600 meter run(check), timed shit.
My reps were 6/6/0/ fuck that shit,
Once again, I don’t claim to be a super fantastical crossfit fairy. I’m me… and “me” wanted to die of, not total knee weakness, but it was hot as fuck.  I smartened up and ate some bananas, drank some coconut water, and some fish oil (guhhhhh ross), which helped me get off the toilet the next day. Which is good because I was stuck on it for about 30-45 minutes, and almost ate the wall. Seriously, the worst pain is in my legs, and I want to wear a diaper this week.

That’s not weird.

Overall this week was a journey into what I need,which is:

● To fall, get back up,

● Push it, ( puh puh puh push it real good)

●understand my limits

● fear = weakness

● don’t wear t shirts, because it’s too hot, and ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

●wear a shit ton of deodorant because some people smelled ripe as fuck( not me, I secret outlast these hoes)

Special thanks to the trainers who help my ass….seriously.

Btw, I love how crossfit makes every muscle hurt, even the ones who didn’t think you had.
That’s right, I have a buttcrack muscle.

Now on to week 2.

For my followers from IG and FB:

Welcome to the thug dome, bitches

If you live in the Houston area drop me a line.

I plan on doing a local box review this week…awesome place great atmosphere, and they have a morning “Milf” workout… which I should be at, because I like to work out in the mornings (see what I did there?)

If you own a box, and want me to review it, email me and we can set something up.

Now on to make breakfast.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Dear Focker….

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Dear Focker, I’m craving a hotdog….

That’s right, Hashtagpaleo has launched, and now’s the time to submit your questions I’ll answer 5 each Friday. I’ll choose them by the most asked question or the most appropriate, or if you make my tummy tickle. Which is a must, because I like that kind of stuff.

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Take it easy people, I can’t curse. I keep it PG-13 on there, which means I can only say the F-word (fuck) 3 times….still trying to figure out if that’s in each post, or sentence? 

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Time to revert to the 5 year old me, before I wrote this ↑↑↑↑

Censorship makes my balls vagina itch (insert This girl’s on fire), but I wanna answer the shit poop outta y’all’s questions.

Email me
Paleothuglife@gmail.com

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned
PG-13,

Pamela Martha Focker

Beyond Bacon…there is such a thing.

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I was honored to be given a review copy of this pork bible, seriously it’s like the living word of pork.
I’ve learned so many things, from the lard to biscuits! Yes Paleo biscuits!
It’s a amazaballs!

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So I decided to make the smoked ribs, the dry rub was superb!
Now I’m a semi-expert at smoking meat, my husband is the original caveman in the house, he can smoke a brisket in his sleep…or at least while I sleep.

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Just this dry rub alone I give this cookbook 5 stars. It’s hard getting a rub to brown without burning the ribs, they came out browned perfectly and super tender on the inside.

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Mama agreed.

The book is on pre-order for a discount price, date of release is July 2.
Buy the book here.

Check out Stacy and her family on their awesome journey to health on their site www.paleoparents.com.

Thanks again Stacy!♥♥♥

I plan on larding my ass off this week.
This should be fun

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,
Pamela Martha Focker

Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

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 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

Where in the fuck did we go wrong?

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I’ll have what the turd slinging primate is having please.

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on a trip to the Houston Zoo with all 3 of my “chirrrens”. I have to say that I couldn’t believe how blind of a life I was living before I turned to a Paleo lifestyle. Before I would get my kids ice cream and complete bullshit and now I realize that I was led to believe that eating this was acceptable because we were at the zoo.

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Then I see shit like this.

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Boxes and boxes of lettuce and kale all over the mother fucking place, but we are not the type of species to eat shit like this or what?

099No our diet and needs are ice cream…

092dipping dots, $2.59 water that tends to be free most of the time.

093Cokes,floats and bullshit drinks that’s toxic to the animals in the zoo but not for the ones visiting the zoo. Fuck logic right?

030 It’s a damn shame that you can see the animals at the zoo that should be on your plate. I know.. barbaric, but I can’t remember someone saying eating fish damages the world in some apocalyptic way and we’ll all die from it. Coke cans,ice cream wrappers,plastic bottles…hmm that actually does fuck shit up. The fish got lucky that day, my daughter was watching…

050If only these bananas would have been ready for picking. I would have snatched up a bundle while wandering in the monkey exhibit. At this point (3 hours in) I was already hungry looking at boxes of yummy shit,watching a fish tease me with its meaty goodness…the ice cream wasnt looking too bad at this point.. or the expensive ass water. I felt bad for my daughter who had to see all these junk bitch food around, she kept saying “Mommy,all that food makes you poop on yourself,right?”, which at that point I felt proud,she knew.

 

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Mommy why does all the animals eat food like you?

It was hard to try to explain corporate America to her.. and needless to say she was confused. I don’t expect her to know just yet why fuckers do the things they do when they know better,but at least I can say I taught her to question everything she eats or whats around her.

It’s just sad knowing that the animals we pay to see know better than we do. What does that say about us? Are we so consumed with complete bullshit and eat what is feed to us? Who are the animals here? We eat processed foods and consider it “okay”. I for one am sick of the fucking shit. Don’t leave the fucking box of kale around me, Houston Zoo, cause I’ll eat that shit. Don’t leave pallets full of watermelon, cause I’ll fuck em all up.  When are y’all assholes gonna realize what you’re doing to our already fucked up future?

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Luckily for y’all and the rest of the animals,I brought my own shit,does that mean I can now “feed the animals,since it is what you feed them? Or is it the food you feed others that you don’t want them to have,but okay to feed MY children? BITCH PLEASE!

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It’s just nice to know that the primates that play with their shit and obsessively fondle their peckers, get fed better than the dumbass who paid to see that.

Just so you know. We all are the dumbass. You’re welcome.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish,and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

McDiet? More like McFullofshit!

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He must be dehydrated from diarrhea he’s had from eating azodicarbonamide, eating a big mac every other day.

So I came across an article from USA today, and this SHIT right here just straight pissed me the fuck off.
If America isn’t already trying to “fast-food” their asses off already, this mother fucker comes out with this shit.

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McDonald’s and diet don’t go hand in hand, not even the new “premium” Chicken wraps bullshit, because it’s obvious that green label is just a way to fool you into thinking it’s “healthy”.

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Now I didnt post that picture saying to eat a quarter pounder over a “premium” chicken club because in the end they BOTH have more calories than the Big Mac and all three contain bullshit.

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The one ingredient in all that shit that should make you shit yourself is: azodicarbonamide, a flammable chemical that is used in a shit ton of fast food breads (even your precious Subway, that bastard Jared is just like this Ceo mother fucker). For fuck sake, Singapore has some pretty severe penalties like up to 15 years in prison and $450,000 fine. So something is up, when is America going to catch up?
So then you might be thinking: “Well this bitch done fucked up my late night fast food run, I’ll ask for no bun then”.

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Look at all that fucking sugar and that hidden sugar shit too. What the fuck is vegetable protein?  Soy? Hmmm over 90% of America’s sources for soy are GMOs, and children we all know that’s gross as fuck.

So you might be thinking: “Fuck it, I’ll eat it and work it off the next day”.

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Well your best bet is to swim your ass off. I can’t swim for shit. I straight up wade in the water.
In the end it’s not about calories, it’s about the quality of your life.
You can’t expect a great quality of life eating additives and preservatives.

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I’d blend the fuck outta these fruits, granted it’s sugar, but it’s natural sugar.  None of that stupid ass corn syrup, or any -ose bullshit. 

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Is all the food available at McDonald’s bad? No. I think the lettuce seems safe.
If you’re not gonna worry about your health, McDonald’s sure as hell doesn’t give a fuck.

Moral of the story:

Don’t be a bitch, and buy McDonald’s bullshit.

.. oh and azodicarbonamide is found in yoga mats. NAMASTE MOTHA FUCKAS!!

Keep it thuggish ruggish and McDonald’s free

Pamela Martha Focker