Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

20130702-131754.jpg

Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

20130702-142032.jpg

Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

20130702-150212.jpg

Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

20130702-151347.jpg

You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

20130702-153149.jpg

Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

20130702-154149.jpg

BALLS! Ha ha.

Advertisements

Fail to plan, plan to eat shitty

20130415-091643.jpg

See that right there? That gets my Tetris loving, OCDette ass feeling accomplished. Like, “hellz yeah! I’m gonna be awesome this week! Suck it, drive-thrus!” And I will. Cuz I got a plan.

But J, I can’t do that. That looks hard.

No. Just, no. You want this or not? Here’s the deal: Cooking a couple times a week instead of several times a day, every day is saving you time and all those wasted moments staring into the fridge wondering what the hell you should eat instead of that chocolate bar nobody knows is in your desk drawer. Most of all it saves you from yourself. (You know your hangry ass is out to get you, right?) You just need a plan, and I’m gonna help ya ’cause I’m a giver like that.

Step 1: How much am I making? That’s up to you, sweetheart. Start with which meals. Lunch and snacks are fairly obvious. Dinners? Breakfasts? I prep for around four days. You can do more and pop half in the freezer for later in the week.

Step 2: What am I making? Start simple and get fancy when you’ve for this down. For lunches and dinners, pick a couple of proteins (see Pamela’s previous post on making the meat section your bitch) and 2-3 veggies. Chicken boobies and an easy steak are about as simple as it gets. Veggies that you can roast are easy to do in bulk and stand up to reheating or eating cold in a pinch. Snacks – what’s easy to carry? Nuts, apples and nut butters, hard boiled eggs, pre-cut veggies… whatever keeps you on track. Make your list, check what you already have, and…

Step 3: Shop Walk up and down isles procuring listed items, placing them in cart, paying before leaving. If you need me for this step, I’m not sure I can help you.

20130415-101013.jpg

Step 4: Cook it and pack it Start washing and chopping. Preheat oven and fire up the grill. Having your shit ready to go is going to save you time and screw ups. Boil water if you’re boiling eggs. Prep veggies you’re gonna roast so you can keep a steady rotation of pans in and out of the oven if needed. While you’re waiting for things to finish, portion out your snacks. Tip: Err on the side of slightly underdone when cooking to account for reheating later. Pack that shit up and stack it Tetris style in your fridge.