Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

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Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

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 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker