My first week of getting my ass kicked

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A true journey to wellness isn’t easy, so suck it up. Don’t be a punk ass bitch.

Yeah I say that to myself every time I can’t get out of the car, bed, and off the toilet.
I never ever considered myself to be fit, unless you consider ROTC (Marines) in high school five years ago (shhhh) close to being fit. Yeah I didn’t think so either.
Even knowing that I had an ass kicking coming my way I still said “fuck it”, I’m gonna take what’s coming to me like a champ.

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Day 1:
I threw up, like a bitch…
I’ve been told it’s not unusual for that to happen the first day. Well I popped my vomiting Wod cherry that day, and it felt good damn it. Lol

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Is this my knee, hell no...but I don't know you like that to show off my stumps. ♥

Day 2:
of fundementals, this shit happened.
I’m not the type of person who gives up easily but with certain things that effect my health, I’ll throw in the towel quick.

The motto is:

Check your ego at the door.

Well my ego is back at home, getting ready for a nap while watching Young and the restless. Yeah my ego is an asshole…

As y’all should know I have rheumatoid arthritis and because of that, I know what true pain is, and I really have fear of ever having it again. Hence the reason why I push my body to IT’S limits, not my brain’s limits.

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By the end of the second day of crossfit I realized I have a major knee problem. I actually figured the shit out when I was lifting myself from an air squat and started off on a 200 m run. That’s right I fell straight to my knee on concrete, did I stop? Fuck no. I wobbled my ass to the finish line. Funny thing is my knees don’t really hurt, they’re just weak ass bitches. My pep talks and words of praise don’t seem to help, so I started to call them obscene words. It’s sort of working.

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Then I have ultra fit hulkified crossfitters kicking ass around me, I decided to still fuck shit up, on what I feel is a gimp ass knee.

Did I do the WOD with no modifications?  Fuck no, wasn’t in the mood for months of therapy fucking up my knee, but I pushed myself to the point where I was actually telling my knees “fuck you”. It was a little weird running and yelling fuck you, but since when do I give a fuck?

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Day 3:

Knees a little better, kettleballs are dangerous for my lady balls. Seriously swinging that shit, I thought I’d die. The most difficult thing to do that day was the burpees, and modifying didn’t help, that’s right. I didn’t do all my reps :(.
Hey hey hey, I hear the roar of boos all the way over here, I’m not in crossfit to kill myself, I’m there to strengthen myself, suckas.

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The “bootylicious”,rock hard “everything” box owner Shondria Williamson, schooled me on what I was missing in my diet. Fish oil was a must for someone with any joint issues. She is super sweet-ish. The ish part comes from moving cones further away as previously noted. When we need to be pushed, she’s there to kick us into gear, or make us scream “shiiiiiit” out loud after the last 3 kettle ball swings. I actually need that…

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Day 4:
1600 meter run(check), timed shit.
My reps were 6/6/0/ fuck that shit,
Once again, I don’t claim to be a super fantastical crossfit fairy. I’m me… and “me” wanted to die of, not total knee weakness, but it was hot as fuck.  I smartened up and ate some bananas, drank some coconut water, and some fish oil (guhhhhh ross), which helped me get off the toilet the next day. Which is good because I was stuck on it for about 30-45 minutes, and almost ate the wall. Seriously, the worst pain is in my legs, and I want to wear a diaper this week.

That’s not weird.

Overall this week was a journey into what I need,which is:

● To fall, get back up,

● Push it, ( puh puh puh push it real good)

●understand my limits

● fear = weakness

● don’t wear t shirts, because it’s too hot, and ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

●wear a shit ton of deodorant because some people smelled ripe as fuck( not me, I secret outlast these hoes)

Special thanks to the trainers who help my ass….seriously.

Btw, I love how crossfit makes every muscle hurt, even the ones who didn’t think you had.
That’s right, I have a buttcrack muscle.

Now on to week 2.

For my followers from IG and FB:

Welcome to the thug dome, bitches

If you live in the Houston area drop me a line.

I plan on doing a local box review this week…awesome place great atmosphere, and they have a morning “Milf” workout… which I should be at, because I like to work out in the mornings (see what I did there?)

If you own a box, and want me to review it, email me and we can set something up.

Now on to make breakfast.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

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Dear Focker….

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Dear Focker, I’m craving a hotdog….

That’s right, Hashtagpaleo has launched, and now’s the time to submit your questions I’ll answer 5 each Friday. I’ll choose them by the most asked question or the most appropriate, or if you make my tummy tickle. Which is a must, because I like that kind of stuff.

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Take it easy people, I can’t curse. I keep it PG-13 on there, which means I can only say the F-word (fuck) 3 times….still trying to figure out if that’s in each post, or sentence? 

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Time to revert to the 5 year old me, before I wrote this ↑↑↑↑

Censorship makes my balls vagina itch (insert This girl’s on fire), but I wanna answer the shit poop outta y’all’s questions.

Email me
Paleothuglife@gmail.com

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned
PG-13,

Pamela Martha Focker

Beyond Bacon…there is such a thing.

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I was honored to be given a review copy of this pork bible, seriously it’s like the living word of pork.
I’ve learned so many things, from the lard to biscuits! Yes Paleo biscuits!
It’s a amazaballs!

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So I decided to make the smoked ribs, the dry rub was superb!
Now I’m a semi-expert at smoking meat, my husband is the original caveman in the house, he can smoke a brisket in his sleep…or at least while I sleep.

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Just this dry rub alone I give this cookbook 5 stars. It’s hard getting a rub to brown without burning the ribs, they came out browned perfectly and super tender on the inside.

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Mama agreed.

The book is on pre-order for a discount price, date of release is July 2.
Buy the book here.

Check out Stacy and her family on their awesome journey to health on their site www.paleoparents.com.

Thanks again Stacy!♥♥♥

I plan on larding my ass off this week.
This should be fun

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned,
Pamela Martha Focker

Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

trh rolls

 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

A chicken fried kick to the balls…

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I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right….motha fucka!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m in Texas, and was born and raised off fried fucking goodness.  Only difference now is I won’t die from it.
Being whole30/whole60 keeps me from doing many recipes as before, I used to crank the bitches out, but I can’t, because I get weak in the knees just thinking about my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh).

But what-the-fuck-ever, I’m good.

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Ok so you’ll need:

●2 eggs
●1 cup of almond meal (I made my own)
●2 Tablespoons of organic coconut milk(from the can)
●8 oz (weight) of chicharrones (pork skins, without the meat attached) crushed.
●2 lbs or so of grassfed cubed beef steak ( grassfed is so much more tender)
●chipotle infused olive oil (or coconut oil, which can handle higher heats)
●Salt and pepper for taste

Ok, so you’re probably thinking ,”what the fuck, pork skins?” Well get over it, the flavors blend so well it’s like a drop kick to your face, so shut the fuck up.

□heat pan (preferably stick-less)to medium (with EVOO) or high (coconut oil) and coat pan with your choice of oil (EVOO, coconut)

□Mix the eggs, coconut milk, add a pinch of S&P whisk the shit

□Mix almond meal and crushed chicharrones

□pat steak to make sure it’s dry…salt and pepper dat hoe, but not too much because there is a ton of salt naturally in the chicharrones.

□dip meat in egg mixture, then coat with dry mix, making to that you shake off excessive “breading”

□CAREFULLY ADD MEAT TO THE PAN!!! Dont burn your bitch ass because you’re excited to get this in your mouth!

□depending on thickness of your steak you’re looking at 4 minutes per side.

□ place cooked steaks on a paper towel to drain off oil.

■ eat that shit

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Now broccoli rice/couscous/quinoa:

Broccoli tops in a processor, sauteed in chipotle infused olive oil, with fresh slices of radish.

That’s it! It’s really not that hard, tag my ass on IG if you attempt this dish, because I think you’re in for a mouth ass whooping.

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Moral of the story:

Mama, I know you can’t wait,
but bitch you crazy if you think you getting my steak.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned
Pamela Martha Focker

I say the shit you won’t say.

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The movie Wall-e has reality to it.

Don’t bitch about what you can change!

When I seen the picture of these two (clearly obese) people ordering off their, what I assume is a Hover round, I was livid!
Am I completely fit? No. Do I still have a long way to go? Yes. Would you catch me in fast food lines? Fuck no.
I have come a long way, from being very sick with at least 3 things that were life threatening or required a shit ton of meds. For fuck sake, I was on chemotherapy medications! I found whole30/Paleo through my “snatch” doctor(I know fucking weird..who gives a shit…lol). He thought I was too young to be suffering so much and at my highest weight ever ( even through pregnancy) I realized: fuck this shit, I want better for my life and kids…I’m in complete control of me and I won’t be a mother fucking statistic.

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Do I judge people at the grocery store. Unfortunately yes. I hate thay about myself now. I see kids with parents who feed them over processed foods and call it nutritional. It’s so heart wrenching to believe that a change to the parents is a change to the future of humanity. If we continue with the “large is the new small” era, then we will all end up in scooters and wondering where did we go wrong.  If we don’t change the shit we do now, expect sickness in our children, expect daily medications, expect an early death, expect a horrible fucking life. My life was fucking horrible, I was in pain every day, I almost ended my marriage because I felt guilt of feeling helpless by my illnesses.

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Change doesn’t need to happen for a reason, or for a fucking season.  Change needs to start because your bitch ass is better than a double meat and cheese burger, because corporate America doesn’t need your money. Farms owned by familes need your money. McDonald’s doesn’t give a fuck if you get sick and die. You passed on your addictions to the next generation with false ideas of a “better breakfast” or bullshit toys in a box.
Get your mind right for our future and most importantly because you don’t want to be the one in a fast food lane ordering food on your scooter.

Moral of the story:

Bitch, put that punk ass burger down, and eat a grassfed ribeye. Corporate America hates it, but I love it. Fuck you McDonald’s!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and bullshit free,

Pamela Martha Focker

How I made whole30 my bitch

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Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

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My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

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Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

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So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

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Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

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Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

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Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

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When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

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Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

Dear Grainfed cow, go fuck your mother.

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Wait, if it’s grassfed beef, does that mean the steak eats grass?

So this weekend has been a big ass experiment of grassfed and grainfed steaks of different sizes and cuts. It’s okay you can be jealous. I know I’d be crying like a little bitch.

So Friday evening, I got a little hair up my ass (#operationcavewoman) and decided to make a grassfed ribeye. > Meow < I've never been a ribeye gal – figured the shit was too marbled and tough for my liking, even cooked medium rare.

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Obviously, that shit was awesome cooked on medium heat on a flat top skillet for 3 minutes each side, and the tenderness was enough to make me lose my shit. It didn’t matter that the ribeye naturally has fatty chunks within it, because if yo ass doesn’t already know, grassfed beef has more of the good fat and provides more nutrients than a bald eagle’s egg or grainfed beef.

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Check that shit out! ↑↑↑ You’re not seeing things. Grassfed beef has less total fat than punk ass chicken. Which boggles my fucking brain. Why are we told beef is so bad?!
Grainfed beef is bad, but grassfed isn’t, bitches.

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That’s about all the info you need in makes a choice between the two, scientifically speaking anyways.

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So my jealous ass husband wanted steak and eggs the next morning, and being the awesome wife I am… I told him he can cook the shit. He’s awesome with the spices and keeping it 100% bullshit free. Well I fucked that shit up too… Nevermind the fact that it was strip steak, the fucker was on point.

Last night my husband wanted to see that bullshit ass fight and wanted to cook steak and shrimp on the pit. Being the fucking scientifical motha fucka I am I thought I’d try the $2.77/lb sirloin steak on sale. Which is by far my most favorite cut.

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The steak ended up probably being a bigger let down than the bitch ass fight. They were cooked just under medium rare – I mean the fuckers were still kicking on the plate. The taste was very good, and I mean tasty as fuck, but then again my husband is good about that. I swear he rubs the bitches on his balls for the flavoring.

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Needless to say the meat was tough as my callused feet after black Friday. I ate the shit, barely, but I had to slice it so thin. My husband, who thinks the grassfed thing is bullshit (motha fucka still eats my shit though), thought the grassfed was much more tender.

So that’s the run down of grassfed and grainfed beef. One costs more, the other requires more chewing and you shouldn’t consume it often, or your ass will be big as a cow with mad cow disease… and that’s not cool.

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Dear grassfed beef, get in mah belleh. Grainfed beef, go fuck your mother.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Unicorn meat is definitely Paleo.

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Any meat you can eat, fo yo ass it’s a treat.

So I get asked this question a lot: “what kind of meat can you eat?”. It’s simple. If it’s grass fed, antibiotic free, just plain bullshit free, then you can eat the shit. Simple. Cuts of meat don’t matter. I used to be a sirloin gal, but grassfed meat is naturally tender, so I have fucked up a ribeye or two.

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So if you wonder about a few of my dishes – like veal, buffalo or lamb –  here are a couple of pointers for cooking them.

Veal: smells like ass, tastes like heaven.

Lamb: smells like shit, tastes like rainbows.

Buffalo: just completely yum, similar to unicorn meat… without the glitter (which is the herpes of arts and crafts… That shit is forever)

Although these pointers might scare you, don’t let them. Don’t be a punk ass bitch, because you are definitely missing out if all you eat is chicken and beef. That shit gets old quick and can cause you to fall off the wagon. The smell lingers in the house, so air that shit out.

Moral of the story?

It might smell like ass, but who gives a shit? “Andrew Zimmerman” dat shit.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Bacon.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

Beercan get in my belly!

Beercan get in my belly!

^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

Now on to serious fucking shit.

Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
So here’s my secret…
Bake the shit.
375 degrees for 22 minutes..
Lay those bitches out flat,
and crack fresh pepper on it.

Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

Moral of the story

You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!