Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

thCATMSB7W

You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

418942_10151140714519228_1661941993_n

So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

trh rolls

 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

123

I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

thCA7WGBUR

 

Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

th

Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

Advertisements

Where in the fuck did we go wrong?

058

I’ll have what the turd slinging primate is having please.

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on a trip to the Houston Zoo with all 3 of my “chirrrens”. I have to say that I couldn’t believe how blind of a life I was living before I turned to a Paleo lifestyle. Before I would get my kids ice cream and complete bullshit and now I realize that I was led to believe that eating this was acceptable because we were at the zoo.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Then I see shit like this.

049

Boxes and boxes of lettuce and kale all over the mother fucking place, but we are not the type of species to eat shit like this or what?

099No our diet and needs are ice cream…

092dipping dots, $2.59 water that tends to be free most of the time.

093Cokes,floats and bullshit drinks that’s toxic to the animals in the zoo but not for the ones visiting the zoo. Fuck logic right?

030 It’s a damn shame that you can see the animals at the zoo that should be on your plate. I know.. barbaric, but I can’t remember someone saying eating fish damages the world in some apocalyptic way and we’ll all die from it. Coke cans,ice cream wrappers,plastic bottles…hmm that actually does fuck shit up. The fish got lucky that day, my daughter was watching…

050If only these bananas would have been ready for picking. I would have snatched up a bundle while wandering in the monkey exhibit. At this point (3 hours in) I was already hungry looking at boxes of yummy shit,watching a fish tease me with its meaty goodness…the ice cream wasnt looking too bad at this point.. or the expensive ass water. I felt bad for my daughter who had to see all these junk bitch food around, she kept saying “Mommy,all that food makes you poop on yourself,right?”, which at that point I felt proud,she knew.

 

060

Mommy why does all the animals eat food like you?

It was hard to try to explain corporate America to her.. and needless to say she was confused. I don’t expect her to know just yet why fuckers do the things they do when they know better,but at least I can say I taught her to question everything she eats or whats around her.

It’s just sad knowing that the animals we pay to see know better than we do. What does that say about us? Are we so consumed with complete bullshit and eat what is feed to us? Who are the animals here? We eat processed foods and consider it “okay”. I for one am sick of the fucking shit. Don’t leave the fucking box of kale around me, Houston Zoo, cause I’ll eat that shit. Don’t leave pallets full of watermelon, cause I’ll fuck em all up.  When are y’all assholes gonna realize what you’re doing to our already fucked up future?

095

Luckily for y’all and the rest of the animals,I brought my own shit,does that mean I can now “feed the animals,since it is what you feed them? Or is it the food you feed others that you don’t want them to have,but okay to feed MY children? BITCH PLEASE!

061

It’s just nice to know that the primates that play with their shit and obsessively fondle their peckers, get fed better than the dumbass who paid to see that.

Just so you know. We all are the dumbass. You’re welcome.

Keep it thuggish,ruggish,and toned,

Pamela Martha Focker

Dear Eve, you’re a bitch.

Bitches_5269f5_1281517

 

Uh excuse me? Ya little shit,us bitches like chocolate and shit.

So this is day 14 of the whole30 challenge, and I must say that I completely forgot what it was like to be without any type of sugar, and be on my MOTHA FUCKING PERIOD! Oh how I yearn for my chocolate thunder, or my chocolate flax-seed waffles sweetened with organic maple syrup. So I’ve done whole30 before in fact I did whole60 before and I just can’t remember how I dealt.

I’ve realized as I get older the more I become like my mother, which is fucked up,because she’s bat shit crazy on candy when she gets a week away from her cycle. Men don’t understand, they just stay away and kids get on your nerves. Maybe that’s why I turn to sugar during my time. Although the sugar I would normally eat before whole30 was the Paleo approved stuff, our ancestors didn’t have nothing but fruit to feast on,not honey,coconut sugar,and especially not agave honey..wtf is that anyways? Bees nut on cactus? I don’t understand that shit at all,so I won’t eat that shit.

So even though there are Paleo approved sugars out there..be extra mindful about how much you eat and what the fuck you’re eating.

PLEASE START YOUR WHOLE30 AROUND YOUR FUCKING MONTHLY GIFT!

If I wasn’t half way in I would have eating two belgium chocolate waffles while writing this. No seriously this laptop would be smeared with maple syrup and chocolate crumbs.

wpid-IMG_20130312_090457.jpg

Moral of the story:

Bitches love chocolate,but chocolate isn’t whole30 approved. So get that bitch an Edible arrangement, Bitches need Edible arrangements.

Pamela Martha Focker