Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

Bacon.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

Beercan get in my belly!

Beercan get in my belly!

^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

Now on to serious fucking shit.

Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
So here’s my secret…
Bake the shit.
375 degrees for 22 minutes..
Lay those bitches out flat,
and crack fresh pepper on it.

Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

Moral of the story

You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!

Balls de fuego fo yo ass

Balls of Fuego

Balls of Fuego

There… I’m typing up a fucking recipe.

I had to gather multiple napkins and papers soaked in sweet potato and coconut oil that I used for makeshift recipe notes and cards to get this bitch down right.  HA! Makeshift notes and cards. The worst one is on the back of my daughters picture of the days events. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy… but she got over it.

Excuse me for going in a completely different direction, but speaking of balls of fire, my woman balls have been on fire lately – not in a STD way but rather a vag slam – yogi wannabe way. Oddly, I like doing these challenges. Even though I look stupid as fuck on film, I like the fact that there is skinny bitches  girls out there who don’t have my stretchy capabilities. Imagine that, a big (ahem… healthy) old hag girl like myself can actually touch her toes. My hips hurt, and I can’t eat cabbage, but I feel greeeeeeeeeat! Big ups to TheUrbanPoser.com for helping me bring out the inner me, which is why I can’t eat cabbage.

So… all the recipes on this bitch are legit. Trial and error and all that shit – DONE. If you’re looking for substitutions, do me a favor and go fuck yourself…or you can just ask me, because I’m nice.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned bitches!

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de Fuego

Makes 24 mini meatballs

Supplies:

  • 24 count mini cupcake pan
  • Melon baller or mini cupcake scooper

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound of pork
  • 1 pound of veal
  • 1 egg
  • ¼ cup of almond meal
  • 1 tsp of salt
  • 3 tsp of Cajun seasoning
  • 1 tsp of fresh minced garlic
  • 1 tsp of Kortinge Pork seasoning

Instructions:

Mix all that shit up, thoroughly as fuck.

Form into balls with melon baller or cupcake scooper and place into 24 count mini cupcake pan bake for 20-25 minutes at 400 degrees.

#EatDatShit

Balls de fuego

Free ebook and sweet ass enchiladas

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In life, nothing is free, and if it is you’re probably getting drugged.

Life lesson for my kids. They should do well in life, I think.

Well this past week I have done a collaboration with a well-known IGer and because of her keen eye on fucking awesomeness, I gave her a detailed recipe of these good ass bitches here.

My brisket sweet potato enchiladas are the shit people…and they don’t make you shit or feel like shit after eating a whole pan like real enchiladas.

So in return for following me on IG, Twitter, and liking my FB page, you will get a free e-book with not only my sweet ass enchiladas but other awesome recipes.

So get on the ball bitches and tell everyone to follow to get their free e-book.

Keep it Thuggish, ruggish and toned

Pamela Martha Focker