Seriously. We Fucking Love Balls.

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Balls… Ha ha haaaa! Balls, balls, balls! Mwahahahaaaa!

Yeah, I’m fucking immature, but I don’t really give a shit. Balls make me giggle every time. And big, meaty balls make me laugh so hard I have to cross my legs so I don’t piss myself. I can’t even tell you how giddy I am knowing that you are going to want need my big, meaty balls in your mouth. And because I love you fitfucks my fitfam so, I’m gonna tell you how to get deez balls in your mouth.

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Seriously, this shit is easy to make, tastes good hot or cold, and is so fucking portable you’re gonna want to have one in your pocket at all times in case of emergency. (*disclaimer* Do not put wads of meat in your pocket. If you do carry wads of meat in your pocket all day, please don’t fucking email me about the stains on your damn clothes. I can’t help you. You can’t fix stupid.)

Ok. Boil a dozen eggs. Cool. Peel. Set aside. You’re a third of the way done, and it couldn’t get any damn easier.

Next, grab a big ass bowl and toss in the following:

  • 3 lbs ground meat (I used turkey because that shit was on sale.)
  • 2 Tbsp parsley, minced up
  • 3-4 cloves garlic, minced up
  • 1 tsp tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • salt and pepper

Mix that shit up and divide it up into 12 balls. Not easy enough for you? Lazy ass mu… May I suggest using your favorite spice blend – Ms. Dash, taco seasoning, Italian, some kick ass homemade family secret type shit?

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Now take a wad of meat in one hand and flatten it with the other. Nothing fancy. Just slap it up a bit until you have a little meat blanket. Put an egg in the middle and wrap it up in meaty goodness.

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You can stick your balls on a baking sheet and stick ’em in the oven as is… OR… you can give your balls a little crunch by dipping them in a bit of eggs and rolling them around in some almond flour… or crushed chicharones (That’s fried pork rinds for those that don’t know. And you should. Cause it’s good. You’re fucking welcome.)… or skip the egg dipping and wrap that mutha in some bacon. Mmmmmmmm… Or don’t. You don’t have to do what I tell you to do. I’m a tough bitch. You ain’t hurting my feelings.

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Alright, space yer balls – naked, covered, or wrapped – out on a baking sheet and pop into a 375 F oven for 25-30 minutes until just about done. Then turn the heat up to 400 F to give the outside a nice browning (about 5 minutes). Serve that shit up with sriracha or some spicy ass mustard. If you don’t eat them all up right away, stick some in a lunch box with some veggies and make your lunch buddies jealous of your massive, meaty balls.

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BALLS! Ha ha.

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Turning 18+11 never felt so good

 

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You only turn 18 once,but in my case at least 15 times.

Ugh,for some odd reason, and I’m sure I’m not the only mother fucker to believe this, but I hate my birthday. I’m not sure if it all started when my mom had my 6th birthday at McDonald’s, and Ronald smelled of day old liquor and dingle berries. Not to mention,the mother fucker scared the hell outta me with all that lipstick. Looking back maybe it was because I knew what the fuck was really going on in those cheeseburgers. The hamburgular could take my shit any day… I actually liked his ass.

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So that was my birthday dinner last year, sirloin steak cooked medium, with a loaded sweet potato and a side salad. I had about 2 pina colodas with that shit too. It’s amazing how I can look back at the mistakes I’ve made with my health and love who I am now. I have started to fight for myself and for a good life.

trh rolls

 I miss the hell outta bread,seriously these rolls were served with my steak, and I literally use to ask my husband to order some and pick them up,just because I felt like eating the fuckers. There comes a time in your life when you can say, why the fuck do I want this shit so much?

Why do you drink coke so much?

Why do you eat bullshit?

Its addiction,and the worst part is that unlike other addictions, you need food to survive, but you don’t need bullshit like you think you need.

There is a difference between “wants” and “needs” and yo ass don’t need that shit

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I was kind of tough to please this year, according to my husband,who slept on the couch after saying that shit. I didn’t want just any steak,it had to be the premium ass shit,none of all crap that’s always on sale. I was actually lucky because my jar of ghee from www.omghee.com arrived. My birthday steak was one of the best,if not the best, steaks I’ve ever had. Although I was picky this year,I know that my life just seems more precious than all the years before. Which seems weird because you’d figure that as someone young you would figure out what you should and shouldnt do. I guess I just wanted to do what I wanted, I was a stupid ass, and because of it I suffered.

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Remember where you came from when your birthday comes around,don’t give up a day to return to your old ways. It’s really not worth it. Some people like cheat days,I try not to,in fact there was only one day I did. I had diarrhea for days,and it was green. Blue dye does that shit to me…

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Now just to wait for WWW.PALEOCUPBOARD.COM to send me this watermelon cake, then I’ll be set till I turn 30..which is less than a year now..

Doesnt that mean im entitled to a male stripper or something?

I mean who doesn’t like buttnakedness?

Keep it thuggish,ruggish and toned,

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Pamela Martha Focker

Bacon.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

Bacon – the main staple to any paleo diet. Now when I heard that bacon was in fact Paleo, I almost shit myself. I told my husband, “Does that mean I can eat the whole pack?”. Sadly, that’s not the case.
I know that a lot of people don’t understand that some bacon is in fact bad for you. Especially the bullshit with nitrates and grain fed pigs. That’s not why I’m writing this though. I’m writing my feelings for bacon, and how happy it makes me.
Bacon is so universal, from sweet to savory, soups to pies, taco shells and bacon buns. There is an endless supply of uses for bacon, and my brain doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up when it comes to bacon. I’m seriously thinking about making a taco salad bowl made of bacon.

Beercan get in my belly!

Beercan get in my belly!

^That shit it fucking funny… I keep saying bacon that way. My kids think I’ve officially lost my fucking mind.

Now on to serious fucking shit.

Bacon… it’s really not that hard to make, but for some people it actually is. Apparently they can’t do shit.
So I’m here to help yo bitch ass out.
Anyone who has had my bacon thinks it’s straight from the Gods..of bacon (pronounced Beer-can).
So here’s my secret…
Bake the shit.
375 degrees for 22 minutes..
Lay those bitches out flat,
and crack fresh pepper on it.

Seriously don’t skip that shit because that makes the bacon tastes like a David Hasselhoffs fingers after eating a double meat, cheese, bacon burger in a drunken rage. Yeah… it’s that good.

Ok, so enough with bacon. Only because I got to food prep a whole pack of bacon…fuck yes.. be jealous!

Moral of the story

You wont be able to get this jingle out yo head!!!

It’s pronounced “thun-duh”, bitch.

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Here comes the boom..

So finally I got enough time to type this bitch up, I mean seriously I had the mother fucker, written on my journal for weeks. I kind of found myself being greedy with the recipe, considering how fucking awesome it is.
Be forewarned, I had someone take a small bite and it rocked their world…no really the flax seed fucked him up for days.

Flax seed and coffee is the double punch to your balls, straight up. If you’re eating dirty, chances are that your underwear will be dirty after eating this.

Dear Charmin,
You might notice an increase in sales and a demand for your toilet paper. It’s not a coincidence, that I published my chocolate thunder recipe. Imma need my money, boo boo.

This cake is so moist and delicious that it could be the clean version of the infamous Laxative cake prank. The only difference is it won’t hurt them and they’ll feel better about themselves the day after. I had my victim (unbeknownst to me, till he nearly shitted himself) feeling fresh and clear headed the next few days.

So handle my shit with care and love, or you might gets shitted on.

On a less shittier note, I’d like to introduce my bitch, my guh, my thugginess… Janella aka JDawg, she’s known on IG as @Dekini_fit. She’s my long lost sister,and she’s helping me by not only helping get the website together but now as a contributor. She’s awesome, and not only can she flip off people, she can flip big ass tires… check her out and keep your eyes peeled for her awesome ass words of motivation and shit.
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Moral of the story:

Shit just got real when you eat the THUNDUH!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and motha fucking toned!

Pamela Martha Focker

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Chocolate Thunder Cake

Makes 8-10 servings

Supplies:

  • Spring form pan or 2 – 9 in rounds
  • Mixer or processor

Ingredients:

  • 2/3 Almond meal
  • 1/3 c flax meal
  • 3/4 c cocoa powder
  • 2/3 c finely shredded coconut
  • 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1 c brewed black coffee (I use NOLA crème Brule)
  • 1/2 c of maple syrup
  • 1/2 c melted coconut oil
  • 5 pitted date
  • 6 eggs

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease cake pans with coconut oil.

Mix all the dry ingredients thoroughly in a bowl. Add all the wet ingredients to the processor and blend that shit until the dates are completely broken down. If your mixer is small, do it in batches. Slowly add the wet to the dry ingredients, mixing until there are minimal lumps. Pour into your greased up pans.

Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

#EatDatShit

Balls de fuego fo yo ass

Balls of Fuego

Balls of Fuego

There… I’m typing up a fucking recipe.

I had to gather multiple napkins and papers soaked in sweet potato and coconut oil that I used for makeshift recipe notes and cards to get this bitch down right.  HA! Makeshift notes and cards. The worst one is on the back of my daughters picture of the days events. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy… but she got over it.

Excuse me for going in a completely different direction, but speaking of balls of fire, my woman balls have been on fire lately – not in a STD way but rather a vag slam – yogi wannabe way. Oddly, I like doing these challenges. Even though I look stupid as fuck on film, I like the fact that there is skinny bitches  girls out there who don’t have my stretchy capabilities. Imagine that, a big (ahem… healthy) old hag girl like myself can actually touch her toes. My hips hurt, and I can’t eat cabbage, but I feel greeeeeeeeeat! Big ups to TheUrbanPoser.com for helping me bring out the inner me, which is why I can’t eat cabbage.

So… all the recipes on this bitch are legit. Trial and error and all that shit – DONE. If you’re looking for substitutions, do me a favor and go fuck yourself…or you can just ask me, because I’m nice.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and toned bitches!

Pamela Martha Focker

Balls de Fuego

Makes 24 mini meatballs

Supplies:

  • 24 count mini cupcake pan
  • Melon baller or mini cupcake scooper

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound of pork
  • 1 pound of veal
  • 1 egg
  • ¼ cup of almond meal
  • 1 tsp of salt
  • 3 tsp of Cajun seasoning
  • 1 tsp of fresh minced garlic
  • 1 tsp of Kortinge Pork seasoning

Instructions:

Mix all that shit up, thoroughly as fuck.

Form into balls with melon baller or cupcake scooper and place into 24 count mini cupcake pan bake for 20-25 minutes at 400 degrees.

#EatDatShit

Balls de fuego