How I made whole30 my bitch

image

Fuck you puffy taco, I’ll stick with my watermelon cup, bitch.

So it’s day 33 of my whole30, but I’m thinking I should call it whole60 because this mother fucker was easy.
I thought the hardest part was being on vacation with this shit. Seriously, I ate fruit cups, bunless burgers, chicharrons,turkey legs and bbq (sauce free) for 3 days straight.

image

My moment of weakness came to possible turning point when I was at a booth for what seemed like my 20th fruit cup next to a brisket taco booth. My all time favorite taco was filled with brisket. With a slap to the tit, I sucked it up and ordered another bitch ass fruit cup.

image

Do I miss waffles?  Fuck yes. Do I miss my chocolate thunder (pronounced thun-duh)? Shit yes! Do I miss the pain I started to get for no obvious reason? No. I pride myself in being a real bitch who pushes it to the limit. I like those “technically” Paleo things and eat the shit outta them. Once I started having a mini flare up I knew it was time for a reboot, I wasn’t ready to become my old bitch ass self.

image

So telling the puffy taco lady to kiss my ass was warranted, because gangsters like myself don’t fuck around with my health. Unless its tequila. Which is a minor weakness, and I do mean minor. I don’t drink to begin with. I know, big shocker!  If I do, I don’t drink dos XX, I drink Patron, straight, or fresh grapefruit juice with Italian citrus soda…that shit is yummy!

Are you thinking about doing whole30 but you find yourself scared to?
Don’t be a bitch, it’s worth it. My pain went away and I’ve lost weight. Not sure how much, only because the scale is the devil, no seriously it is. Being whole30 isn’t as hard as you think…even on vacation.

image

Best part of it all is that I’m in Texas, land of the best bbq ever! There is no debate to be made. Dry meat in smokers for hours? I’ll take all that shit please. Brisket, ribs, beef ribs…they thought I was crazy because I didn’t want the complimentary banana pudding for helping out the owner.  “Uhh no thanks,banana pudding is against my Paleo religion, boo!”

image

Turkey legs galore in carnival town!!!!
When in doubt, eat turkey legs!
It’s difficult eating strict whole30 on vacation, especially with not knowing the ingredients of spices and such. Why worry yourself? Limiting yourself to the extreme on a vacation will just make you want to break your shit.
Just eat what you can recognize. Most restaurants have simple dishes like burgers, order dry bunless with the yummy extras on the side.

image

Mexican restaurants usually have huevos rancheros which is over easy eggs with fresh salsa on top, with bacon and beans…I gave the beans to my husband. Barbacoa is also a staple, which is beef cheek meat (don’t be a bitch, it’s good as fuck). These simple menu choices can keep you compliant and away from a punk ass plate. Plate envy isn’t part of my nature, and being whole30 doesn’t make a difference.

image

When everyone around you is chugging on beer and pina coladas check your hotel stash, they have awesome drinks and no boring ass water either, because your mouth needs a vacation from that shit from time to time.

All in all, whole30 was very rewarding and it didn’t ruin my vacation like I thought it would. Thank God I live in Texas, because I would of eaten pizza in a heart beat if I had been in New York. Good thing my kids wanted dominoes…

image

Moral of the story:

You can allow a lifestyle change to fuck your shit up, or you can go with the flow while still keeping it whole30.

Keep it thuggish, ruggish and toned…even on vacation, bitches!,

Pamela Martha Focker

Vacation word count:7

Advertisements