You need my balls in your mouth

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There’s something so therapeutic about rolling balls between my hands.

I’ve been really stressed this week. Seriously, shit has been hitting the fan left and right. I may be more excited for school to end than my kids. I’m ready for the the kids and I to wake up whenever the hell we want, play all day, then slap shit on the grill and call it dinner while the kids run naked through the sprinklers and we call that a bath. Hope the neighbors don’t judge. Oh, who we kidding?! I’ll be sipping something tequila and not giving a fuck. But back to my balls…

I used to make truffles at a catering company I worked for years ago – chocolately, full of cream and tasty liquors, rolled in all kinds of delicious. I found it very relaxing, zoning out for hours rolling ball after ball of chocolate love. Anyway, my sweet tooth kicks into high gear when I’m stressed. Here’s my Paleo answer to truffle therapy.

Tools: Blender or food processor

Ingredients:
1 c almonds
2 c dates
2 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa
Shredded coconut (for rolling)

Directions:
1. Toss the almonds in the blender and pulse that shit until it’s coarsely ground. Go coarser if you want to be biting nuts, finer if you just like the nutty taste without the crunch. Your nuts, I won’t judge.

2. Add the dates and cocoa and chop until you’ve got a well mixed ball of ‘dough’.

3. Grease your hands (I used coconut oil, of course) and start rolling tablespoon sized balls.

4. Roll the balls in coconut or more cocoa.

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Just try rolling all of them without popping a few in your mouth. My kids liked these too, so I gave them a couple and said they were the last ones so I didn’t have to share. #smartmom

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It’s pronounced “thun-duh”, bitch.

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Here comes the boom..

So finally I got enough time to type this bitch up, I mean seriously I had the mother fucker, written on my journal for weeks. I kind of found myself being greedy with the recipe, considering how fucking awesome it is.
Be forewarned, I had someone take a small bite and it rocked their world…no really the flax seed fucked him up for days.

Flax seed and coffee is the double punch to your balls, straight up. If you’re eating dirty, chances are that your underwear will be dirty after eating this.

Dear Charmin,
You might notice an increase in sales and a demand for your toilet paper. It’s not a coincidence, that I published my chocolate thunder recipe. Imma need my money, boo boo.

This cake is so moist and delicious that it could be the clean version of the infamous Laxative cake prank. The only difference is it won’t hurt them and they’ll feel better about themselves the day after. I had my victim (unbeknownst to me, till he nearly shitted himself) feeling fresh and clear headed the next few days.

So handle my shit with care and love, or you might gets shitted on.

On a less shittier note, I’d like to introduce my bitch, my guh, my thugginess… Janella aka JDawg, she’s known on IG as @Dekini_fit. She’s my long lost sister,and she’s helping me by not only helping get the website together but now as a contributor. She’s awesome, and not only can she flip off people, she can flip big ass tires… check her out and keep your eyes peeled for her awesome ass words of motivation and shit.
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Moral of the story:

Shit just got real when you eat the THUNDUH!

Keep it thuggish, ruggish, and motha fucking toned!

Pamela Martha Focker

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Chocolate Thunder Cake

Makes 8-10 servings

Supplies:

  • Spring form pan or 2 – 9 in rounds
  • Mixer or processor

Ingredients:

  • 2/3 Almond meal
  • 1/3 c flax meal
  • 3/4 c cocoa powder
  • 2/3 c finely shredded coconut
  • 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1 c brewed black coffee (I use NOLA crème Brule)
  • 1/2 c of maple syrup
  • 1/2 c melted coconut oil
  • 5 pitted date
  • 6 eggs

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease cake pans with coconut oil.

Mix all the dry ingredients thoroughly in a bowl. Add all the wet ingredients to the processor and blend that shit until the dates are completely broken down. If your mixer is small, do it in batches. Slowly add the wet to the dry ingredients, mixing until there are minimal lumps. Pour into your greased up pans.

Bake for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.

#EatDatShit